The Experimental Chef

Abez (smiling cheesily and wielding wire-whisk): Hello everyone, and welcome to my cooking show, The Experimental Chef! Today we’re going to try a new recipe for cream-based frosting. We’ve heard rumor that in other places you can whip cream and add a little sugar, and it makes a lovely topping. My side-kick Kitchen-Aid has more to tell us about it.

K-A: grinning): Thanks Abez.

Abez: You’re welcome Kitchen Aid!

K-A: Our previous experiments have shown that Pakistani cream doesn’t have a high enough fat content to whip properly.

Abez: (with mock incredulity) Is that so?

K-A: Yes! In fact, any attempt to whip it usually results in…nothing. Nothing happens. You can whip it for half an hour and then put it back in its container in the same form.

Abez: Imagine that!

K-A: So we decided to increase the fat content. Let’s see how this works out today.

Abez: (whispering) that was my line…Err, yes! (brightly) So we have our ingredients lined up, two boxes of thick cream, and a packet of butter. We’ll just throw some butter in here, and pour the cream on top….

K-A: And start the mixer….

(mixers starts)

Abez: Ummm…

K-A: It’s still not whipping.

Abez: Maybe it needs more time.

K-A: It looks flatter than pancake batter.

Abez: Maybe it needs more fat. (throws in lump of butter) Does it look fluffier now?

K-A: No, it’s starting to look like cottage cheese.

Abez: Stand back, maybe you’re giving off bad vibes or something.

K-A: (throws in a handful of white powder) Maybe this will help.

Abez: What was that?

K-A: The label said corn starch.

Abez: Does corn starch whip?

K-A: (morosely) Apparently not.

(machine continues to whir loudly)

Abez: Looks kind of like haleem.

K-A: Is that good?

Abez: Not unless it tastes like haleem. Hey, let’s throw it in the blender!

K-A: Right! Lemme just clean the hummus out…

Abez: (turning to face camera) Remember kids, we are trained professionals, don’t try any of the things you see us do at ….hey!…stop licking the blender blade! You want to cut your tongue in half?

K-A: It had hummus on it…

Abez: (hastily pours non-fluffy cream into blender) Alright, turn it on Kitchen Aid, let’s see what happens.

K-A: Hmm, smells kind of…hummussy.

Abez: I thought you cleaned the blender?

K-A: (wipes hummus from chin) You made me stop.

Abez: Quick, add some baking soda!

K-A: (grabs can of soda frantically) Why?

Abez: To neutralize the smell!

K-A: Right! (dumps it in)

Abez: And some blue food coloring!

K-A: (upends tin of food coloring into blender) Right! Blue frosting tastes the best!

Abez: And an egg white!

K-A: Right, egg whites whip wonderfully!

(both stand expectantly over blender.)

Abez: It looks…bigger….

K-A: Is it whipped?

Abez: I don’t know. Maybe we should taste it. (extends finger towards blender)

K-A: Wait! You can’t eat that, it has raw egg in it!

Abez: Oh yeah.

K-A: Wait a sec… (rushes off camera, returns with a small bottle and begins pouring its contents into blender.)

Abez: What’s that?

K-A: Hydrogen peroxide. To kill the egg germs. Now you won’t get salmonella.

Abez: Right, here we go! Time to taste the frosting!

K-A: Wait! It will turn your mouth and fingers blue!

Abez: Right, throw in some bleach then. We wanted white frosting anyway.

K-A: Ok, NOW it’s time to taste the frosting.

Abez: Right.

K-A: Right.

(both stare expectantly at each other)

K-A: I thought YOU were going to taste the frosting.

Abez: Me? You’re the assistant, you eat it!

K-A: But it’s YOUR show!

Abez: And I say, YOU eat it!

K-A: No, you!

Abez: You!

(lights on set begin to fade)

Abez: Well folks, I’m sorry our time for today is up! Join us next week when we’ll be showing you how to-

K-A: How to remove blue frosting stains! FIRE!!!!!



Abez is a 50% white, 50% Pakistani, and 100% Muslim. She is also chronically ill and terminally awesome. She is the ever-lovin Momma of: - Khalid, a special little boy with autism - Iman, a special little girl with especially big hair -Musfira, an especially devious baby Spoiler, Abez is also Zeba Khan on

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