Abez sez Assalamualaikum!

Monthly Archives: March 2004

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Frustrated incorporated.

Still no phone line, and additionally, my mobile phone has been on the fritz. I have blogs typed at home but the disk drive isn’t working so I can’t save them and bring them to the net cafe. *sigh*

But hey, Alhamdulillah, life here in SensoryDeprivationville isn’t as bad as it could be. At least we have gas. 😉

Sincerely,

Sensei

Desert Island #123

Isloo, Pk

Dear Everbloggy

AssalamuAlaikum & Happy Jumah! I personally, am quite happy about Jumah because the people from Owlie’s Office are gone for prayers and I have free reign of their computers, mwahahaaa…

-ahem-

Right, well the house is looking pretty good. Most of it anyway. Or parts of it. Specifically those areas where the carpenter hasn’t left tools and woodshavings and nails all over the floor. What can I say, some of this house is a work in progress. The work will be somewhat on hold now though, since my poor Daddy-dearest has caught bronchitis from all those cold showers before the gas was hooked up. 🙁 He’s asleep at home on the sofa right now, that’s how we left him anyway. I hope he stays there because he needs to get some rest. He’s really run himself ragged with trying to supervise what’s left of the house contstruction as well as run a restaurant, scream at the phone company people and be the CEO of the house, all while coughing. 🙁

The last time my dad had bronchitis (a few months ago) he was so out of it that he accidentally took his entire course of antibiotics in one day and then spent three days sleeping it off. Ah, the irony of Owl & I making sure he’s taken his medicine, sleeping with a blanket and trying to keep him from getting sicker. It’s a bittersweet reversal of roles when a child takes care of a parent, and even though I’m glad to be able to help my dad when he needs me, it’s a depressing reminder of my own father’s mortality. 🙁

Hug your dad today.

And make sure he’s wearing warm socks.

-Sensei

#321 Quarantine Quarters

Sector Eek 14/1

Isloo, Pk

Dear Everybloggy

I never thought I’d be happy to announce this kind of thing but….WE HAVE GAS! ‘0_0’

(har har)

Pardon me. Last night the stove worked for the first time in a week, and you know what I did? I made fried chikken, glazed carrots and macaroni and cheese. And you know what? It was delicious. We should have gas more often. 😉

InshaAllah the phone line should be connected soon, and that was I can get back into blogsurfing and spewing nonsense online as usual. In the mean time, I’m days behind in my email and haven’t been blog-surfing in what feels like forever.

-cough cough- JUNKIE! -cough-

Right, well I look forward to reading your replies even if I don’t seem to be responding to them. So write me back ok?

Peace!

-Sensei

Dear Blogistanis

AssalamuAlaikum

I thought I’d write y’all a letter to let you know how things are going. We’ve put away most of the boxes and clutter, but the house is still not ship-shape. This may have something to do with the oven in the middle of the living room floor. I might be happy to have an oven in the living room, seeing as how baking and lounging could be a great combination. You could be sitting on the sofa, and then you just reach over to the oven and pull out a tray of fresh cookies. But since we still don’t have the gas in our house hooked up, the oven in the living room isn’t all that much fun.

Today is actually Day 8 in the new house, and for all it’s downs (notice how I left out the ups) it’s been a learning experience. Never take basic utilities for granted. And, never tip a seven-foot wardrobe until you know what’s on top of it. There could be something hard and pointy on top, like the carpenter’s measuring tape. And when you tip the wardrobe it could come sliding down at terminal velocity and then bang into something soft, like your head. And then you could get a purple welt on your forehead, just like mine.

But basically we’re doing ok. We’ve learned a lot of things, like how to make scrambled eggs in the microwave, and how to turn an old kool-aid container into a sea-worthy teakettle that can be nuked for ten minutes. We’ve learned that restaurant food every day makes you feel fat, and that we’re better off microwaving Chinese noodles in pyrex loaf pan for twenty-five minutes instead.

Well, it’s time to go now. I’ve got work in fifteen minutes and have to cut this letter short. Hope you guys are doing good, and don’t forget to write back!

Sincerely,

Sensei Abez

#321 Clutter Street

Sector Eek 14/-1

Isloo, Pk

Day Five: Still no gas, no phone, and no hot water.

You know who good friends are? Those are the people who show up in your cluttered, chaotic house, navigate through the cardboard boxes and find you to take you out to dinner. They’re also the people who let you shower in their house. Good Friends Zindabaad!

PS: Lil Grey, we miss you already. 🙁

Day three:

Have been accessing blog by sneaking into Owl’s boss’s office when he’s not in. I don’t have much time, the other employees could return at any moment and then I would be discovered. There’s not much time, only enough to type up another short blog, stuff it into this little green bottle and then throw it out to sea.

*splash*

Day two of roughing it. Still no gas, no phone, and no hot water. Environment contains toxic levels of dust and cardboard. Native population unhelpful. Home PC damaged in the chaos.

SOS

Alright blogistanis, this is it. Tomorrow morning we move into a house that is so new that the phone, gas, and hot water have yet to be hooked up. Which means no internet, no cooking and no bathing.

Pray for us. Please.

*dies*

Chuck Chiselface: Good morning folks, and welcome to another edition of “Extreme Home Obstacle Course!”

Greta Grinstoomuch: Hiya folks, we’re coming to you live from this week’s crazy course, precariously located in the home of Abez, our contestant for this week.

Chuck: And what a contestant she is Greta, have you seen the battle scars on this one?

Greta: Oh yes Chuck, they say that Abez is an experienced obstacle-course runner, having over a week with this difficult course, and the bruises to prove it!

Chuck: That’s right Greta, and let’s take a look! This 3D image of Abez shows you just how many hits she’s taken while trying to navigate her way through this cluttered house, look at the shiner on that elbow, and the huge contusion on that shoulder!

Greta: Yep, that’s a big one Chuck. She got that one in the Bedroom-Doorbell Rally held last week when she took a turn too quickly and slammed into a stack of boxes she wasn’t expecting.

Chuck: Ouch! And look at the scratch on her knee, that one’s from the furniture that was pushed out of the way to make room for more obstacles. They say it snuck up on her in the middle of the night and got her good!

Greta: It may have, but she may just get the furniture and boxes back! They’ve been strewn about in a pre-move madness that can thwart even the toughest of obstacle course contestants. Not only are there narrows passages, hairpin turns and stacks of dangerously balanced boxes to stand in the way, but the marble floors present of slickness factor that would upset the balance of a cat!

Chuck: That’s right folks, and today is Abez’s chance to prove herself in the ultra-tough, hyper-extreme course, the Phone Call Challenge!

Greta: Boy that Phone Call Challenge is not for softies. Our contestant will have to start all the way on the second floor, and then when the phone rings down stairs, will have only thirty seconds to rush down and answer it before the caller gives up!

Chuck: But that’s not the hardest part, the hardest part is the course, a wicked staircase cluttered with boxes and crowded to a hairpin turn at the bottom banister. Then there’s a quick left to right switch as you have to juke past the refrigerator and then the computer table in a matter of seconds, then skid quickly left and make it to the telephone across the treacherously slippery marble floor!

Greta: That’ll be quite a task Chuck, and to think, she’ll be working without a net!

Chuck: Well, it’s T minus five second until the phone will ring, let’s watch!

Greta: Five, four, three, two-

-ring-

Chuck: And she’s off! Our cameras have her leaping from the upstairs sofa and rushing to the top of the stairs!

Greta: Oh, and now she skids to a stop just before falling headlong down the stairs, that was a quick save, these marble floors are killer! Wait, she’s flying down those stairs!

Chuck: Oh, and a brilliant save there, she just grabbed the banister and is swinging around it to avoid smashing into the wall at the end of the stairs, what a pro!

Greta: Oh no, look she’s clipped the side of the computer table and she’s losing her balance…

Chuck: She’s been turned about 180 degrees and oh no, not the fridge!

-smash-

Chuck: Oh, that’ll leave a mark, but wait, she’s still going!

Greta: I can’t believe it, she’s picking up speed and approaching the last turn! There she goes, and oh I can’t look!

Chuck: She’s sliding out of control, she’s heading right for the dining table and-

-wham-

Greta: She’s down! She’s down!

Chuck: I don’t like the look of that, see how she’s sprawled out on the floor, and there are only seven seconds until the phone stops ringing…six, five, four…

Greta: Get up! Come on, get up!

Chuck: Three, two- I can’t believe it, she waving away the paramedics and getting up!

Greta: There she goes, she’s limping towards the phone, oh this is amazing, I’ve never seen so much dedication in an athlete with such severe injuries…

Chuck: The phone stopped ringing two seconds ago but she’s still going on…

Greta: She got it! She made it to the finish! What a run Chuck, what a run.

Chuck: She might not have gotten the phone but I tell you folks, with a performance like that’s she’s a winner in my book!

Greta: Wow, that was amazing folks.

Chuck: It was Greta, this’ll be one for the records. Well folks, that’s it for today’s episode. Tune in next week for another episode-

Greta: And another exciting obstacle course, with “Extreme Home Obstacle Course!” Bye!

Chuck: Bye!

-end transmission-

Invictus?

Out of the chub that covers me

Though soft I sit from pole to pole

I thank forever the Lord that Be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the sweet clutch of circumstance

I have not pinched nor snacked around

Under the bludgeoning of chocolate chance,

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of fat and fears

Looms but the horror of the shade

And yet the menace of these years

Finds, and shall find me, unweighed.

It matters not how great the plate

How charged with condiments the roll

I am the Master of my fate

I am the captain of my…stomach.

-Abez

(Author retains full intellectual property rights of above literary masterpiece. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds. Offer void where prohibited. For external use only.)

Monday…looms menacingly at me with bared teeth and claws. I am inspired to yet another poetic masterpiece: (It’s a chant)

Eeek Eeek Eeek!

The beginning of another week!

Thank you. I’m feeling poetic in a cosmoplanetary hypermagnificent way, do you dig daddy?

Alright folks, this is it, the final three days of our move. You know what that means? Anything that hasn’t already been taped into a box now has to go. I’m holding out on the computer, they can box my toothbrush before I let them put the computer away, so I’ll be blogging until the very last moment when they shove me into the cardboard and wrap tape around me head.

Fortunately, with this move and my blogiversary being at the same time, I can be lazy…err…brilliant and just revisit my first week of blogging while I’m busy packing and unpacking. And I have a request too, will the on-going discussion about Islam and education and science and whether Mimi is single please move to Tora’s blog? I’m sure he’ll be able to handle it better than me for now. And it’ll save Tora the hassle of coming to my blog, he can defend from his own fortress. 🙂 Yay Tora!

And now, for something completely different.

March 7th, 2003

ZZZZZZZZZaaaa! That’s a Japanese comic book sound effect. I’m not sure whether it’s for wham, boom, or whoosh. But I think you know what I mean. English Night rocked! (roxtu? yes, it rocks too.) I’m too old to be saying things rock, but who’s gonna stop me eh? Filthy English pigdogs…

Today I got my (insert heavenly music) PAY CHECK. I ran out and commissioned: Four suits. They’ll be back from the tailor tomorrow. Now that’s service eh? This is low-season for him, so he’s churning my suits out lickety-split! Zza!

Shame be upon me and my materialistic ways, but when you work you gotta have a wardrobe. Otherwise people think you’re a filthy slob with no clothes. I actually AM a filthy slob with no clothes, but I can’t let my students know that. Every single one of my students is older than I am, with better paying jobs than I have, and the only thing I have on them is this *rockin* Amreekan accent and a reasonable grasp of da English language. He he. (so I can’t let my wardrobe slip, otherwise they’ll realize their teacher’s just a doofus in disguise!)

I have decided that I am not allowed to have a haircut until I lose ten more pounds. Needless to say, my hair is looking kinda shabby. (who cares? I wear Hijab! The Holiest Hat of Them All!) I think that’s it for now. I wonder if anyone but Amira is reading my blog? Not even my sister reads it…sniff…

See, this is what happens when you’re honest. Hmmph, see if I ever take a quiz truthfully again! :p

CWINDOWSDesktopPowerRangeres.jpg
Power Rangers Movie!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Today is my one-year blogiversary, isn’t that amazing! Not amazing in the sense that my blog is amazing, but amazing in the sense that my attention span has permitted me to keep up with something voluntarily for this long. Where am I again?

(*sniff sniff* And I’d like to thank my producer, and my director, and my mother, and my producer’s mother…*bawl*)

But seriously though, I’d like to give props where props are due, to Amira who made me start a blog, to Tora who designed my first template, to Usman who helped me when I messed up that template (and subsequent templates after that). To eXcalbur who designed my second and most lovely layout, to Sahar who taught me stuff and tolerated my silly questions like “I made the text go invisible, how do I put it back?” and to Ahmed, who was kind enough to offer free image hosting. 🙂

And in honor of this one-year blogiversay, or maybe in honor of my terrible laziness, Sensei presents:

My first Blog entry!

Thursday, March 6th, 2003

This place is quiet, too quiet….the house is clean, the children are nestled all snug in their beds while visions of English Night at my house dance in their heads. English Night is all my ESL students coming over and playing Outburst, Pictionary, Scrabble, etc and scoffing little triangular sandwiches and secretly comparing their English levels to the other students’. So I had to clean the house, and now I’m taking a break and wasting time and brainpower typing this thing up. For who? Je ne sais. What fun!

The master has become the pupil, I learned something new from my students. I can now say the word lizard in five different languages.

Russian: Yareshitsa (YAH re-shee tsa)

German: Eidechsa (AYE dex ah)

Persian: Marmolak (mar MOE lack) Sooratat misal marmolaka! Your face is that of a lizard’s!

Turkish: Kertankele (care TON kuh luh)

Urdu: Chipkali.(CHIP kuh lee)

Break’s up. I bid this entry farewell and launch it into outer-cyber-space. Maybe someone will read it and tell me how to say lizard in five other languages? It’s really important you know. What with me being a citizen of the world, cosmopolite extraordinaire, I need to be fluent in such things. You understand of course. Peace!

Chai and I went to Jummah prayers today, and for me it’s the first time that I’ve been in a long time.

What’s interesting is the different types of people you get to see at the masjid on Friday. Like the guy in the blue satin pants, tie-die polyester shirt and giant green shades who was strutting down the cool white marble of the masjid with the sun glinting off his well-oiled hair. He seemed very pleased with himself. ‘You wear your nicest clothes to Jummah,’ Chai reminds me.

And then there were the women whose outfits were bright enough to outshine the sun, but far too small to rival it in size. And there were people who stared at other people. And men who stared at women. And women who stared at men. And there were people who paid more attention to the chandelier than the prayer, but there were all there. I was there too, and I fit in perfectly with the other sinners.

Allah alone is perfect, and though that isn’t any excuse for a congregation behaving badly, it is hope. And it is relief, and it is a mercy from Allah that He should be Gracious and Forgiving, and Insha’Allah bless whatever of our intentions were good and pardon whatever of our intentions were not.

Ameen.

Ever have one of those days when you get onto the computer to type a blog and all you can come up with is Aaargh?

Oh look, it’s 1:30 am again…

Aaargh.

Goofy Teenage Poetry

dig yours up today!

Can you find my donkey?

Can you find my donkey?

He’s wandered off, y’know.

I’ve never really met him

So I’m not sure where he’d go.

I don’t think that I’ve seen him

Or even know his name,

But despite this, he’s valuable

And needed all the same.

You’ve got a donkey, too

Whether you know it or not,

But he may not be four-legged,

He may be a lamp or pot.

Everyone’s got a donkey,

It’s something that they seek.

Not an object that you’ve lost

And will find again next week.

Your donkey is what drives you

In search of all your dreams.

It’s pursuit is what leads you

On a life of heady schemes.

Some donkeys are ambition,

And others- zest for life.

Either way your donkey can

Cause happiness or strife.

So can you find my donkey?

If you help me I’ll help you,

And together we will search

For my donkey and yours too,

Or for my donkey and your trophy,

Or my donkey and your soap,

For my donkey and your dreams

Or for my donkey and your hope.

June 30, 1997. 4 am.