The Good, the Bad, and the Goofy

There are certain time-honored traditions in every family. In ours, there’s the insult game. The rules are simple. The person who out-insults the other wins the respect and admiration of his peers as well as the right to dance around the room and yell “I win! You lose! I rule! You drool!” and such like.

It’s not as easy as it sounds though, there are certain rules. The most important of which being that all insults must rhyme. Take, for example, this specific insult duel between Aniraz and myself.

Me: You look like a bat.

Aniraz: You’re terribly fat.

Me: Does your mother know you’re such a brat?

Aniraz: You look like something that’s gone splat.

Me: Oh yeah? Well I’ve seen better faces in place I’ve spat!

The crowning insult of the duel had to be this one:

Your head fills nine gallons of a ten gallon hat.

I thought I had won the match after that gut-buster (it’s hard to duel when you’re laughing so hard you can’t even sit up straight) but as Aniraz retreated up the stairs giggling she yelled out, “You smell like a dead muskrat!”

Drat. I have to think up an insult that rhymes with ‘bat,’ otherwise I won’t be able to show my face in this one horse town again. Any suggestions, amigos?


Abez is a 50% white, 50% Pakistani, and 100% Muslim. She is also chronically ill and terminally awesome. She is the ever-lovin Momma of: - Khalid, a special little boy with autism - Iman, a special little girl with especially big hair -Musfira, an especially devious baby Spoiler, Abez is also Zeba Khan on

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