I haven’t felt like myself lately, and not knowing who I have been feeling like, (maybe you?) I’m not sure what to type. My head feels… gelatinous.
I’m not saying that to complain, but to try and clarify what my head feels like. The hippos are gone tonight because the Neurontin got rid of them, but I feel very mentally distracted. I don’t know if this is because of my silly head or because of the medication. Even before taking it I nearly burst into tears because I couldn’t get a packet of sweetener open. I’ve been irritable too. Yesterday my brother told me I was being snippy. So I snuck away and cried for no reason.
I had intended to not make this a depressing or serious blog, but I have a lot of my mind. (other than hippos) I failed the touch-nose test that a neurologist gave me today. He held his finger out and told me to touch it quickly and then the tip of my nose. I poked myself in the side of the nose and once in the cheek. I don’t know why, but I found that embarrassing. I’ve been hospitalized many times before in my life, and the subsequent loss of dignity from being cared for when you’re helpless had humbled me. Or so I thought. Hmmm. I shouldn’t be embarrassed, and yet, professed humility aside, typing this right now is very frustrating because I just spelled Superman wrong four times in a row. I over boiled and forgot about the same cup of tea three times yesterday. My father asked me for a glass of water. I went into the kitchen, forgot why I was there and came back empty handed.
Consider this blog a side-effect as well, because in my right mind I would keep all this to myself. I would also have typed it better. Anyway, I have to schedule an MRI of me brains. I always wanted to know what they looked like, but I think I would have preferred other circumstances. Not that I’m worried about them, amusingly enough, I’m not concerned about what’s wrong (or hopefully not wrong) with my head. I wish I could say that was because of an absolute faith in Allah’s will, but I’m afraid it has more to do with being Superman’s younger, tougher sister. *flies around room*
Whatever it is, or isn’t, I know that it won’t be something beyond my ability to handle, and I have plenty of sins to atone for. A headache every now and then in exchange for hurt that I’ve caused other people in the past seems like a decent deal. Not that that’s what Islam is about (be bad, get headaches?) but any pain or sadness, when borne with patience, humility and faith, erases a sin. I got sins. Bring on the erasing. Alhamdulillah.
Peace and Curry Grease,
Abez and the Hippos
PS: To my luv, who said over brunch that religion is an opiate for the masses. In truth it’s not just a painkiller, it’s a cure, and the pain just happens to go away because then the disease of the soul is gone. Religion isn’t opium, it’s penicillin, and the reassurance that everything happens for a reason and all injustices will be set right is a cure for fear and bitterness. I happen to be the poster-child.