Ok, I don’t really want to drive people away. I guess I just want to lose the mental barriers that have gone up since my blog has become a public place, and is therefore not always the best way of sharing private thoughts.
Hmm, I could be deluding myself here, assuming that anywhere on the internet is a private place. But humor me for the sake of argument.
Also, the L key on my computer might have banana milkshake in it. Thank you Khalid. It took me five attempts to spell your name because of the sticky L.
What am I trying to say here…I used to freely complain on my blog with the desired outcome of catharsis. Now I’m afraid of offending people if I do. I used to talk through my own weaknesses on my blog, now I’m afraid of mixing my human frailties with my public responsibilities. I’m a dag-nabbit director, dag-nabbit. I’m supposed to be on the ball, in the know, up the eyeballs in managerial competence or something. I shouldn’t be complaining about the banana milkshake in the L key and how lately Musfira has been so nocturnal that my daily waking time is noon and I seldom, if ever, leave the house during daylight hours. I shouldn’t complain about how my Ramadan felt like an utter waste because I got a kidney infection on day five and missed fasting for the next 25 days. I shouldn’t talk about the overwhelming sadness I felt when Eid was announced because another Ramadan had ended and I was no better off than I was before and not at all looking forward to reintroducing waswassa to the darkness of my own thoughts. When the sun set for the last Iftar I actually cried.
I’ve been reluctant to post for a while now, not fearing public disapproval, but rather of opening myself up to too many people who actually know me as a person. I’m not sure what it’s called when you have an easier time sharing your deepest, darkest thoughts with a stranger on an airplane than your own family or long-time friends, but I have that. I’ll open my inner recesses of my mind to strangers (and sell tickets to the event on a decorated marquis!) but keep it tightly locked to the people around me. But now a certain element of mixing has occurred, and I don’t know whether I should tell the strangers on my blog that I feel useless, overwhelmed and frustrated, or whether I should tell the friends and family on my blog that I’m a little busy but perfectly fine, thank you.
And thanks to the magic of RSS feeds (thanks for the reminders, guys) my ingenious plan of not updating for a long ole time is not likely to work. Which is such a pity, because I spent all of five minutes devising it, and now I want those five minutes back.
I have no choice but to be myself, because I don’t know how to be anyone else. I just don’t know how much of myself I can be here anymore. Let’s see.