Abez sez Assalamualaikum!

Anonymity, shmanonimity?

Ok, I don’t really want to drive people away.  I guess I just want to lose the mental barriers that have gone up since my blog has become a public place, and is therefore not always the best way of sharing private thoughts.

Hmm, I could be deluding myself here, assuming that anywhere on the internet is a private place.  But humor me for the sake of argument.

Also, the L key on my computer might have banana milkshake in it.  Thank you Khalid.  It took me five attempts to spell your name because of the sticky L.

What am I trying to say here…I used to freely complain on my blog with the desired outcome of catharsis.  Now I’m afraid of offending people if I do.  I used to talk through my own weaknesses on my blog, now I’m afraid of mixing my human frailties with my public responsibilities.  I’m a dag-nabbit director, dag-nabbit.  I’m supposed to be on the ball, in the know, up the eyeballs in managerial competence or something.  I shouldn’t be complaining about the banana milkshake in the L key and how lately Musfira has been so nocturnal that my daily waking time is noon and I seldom, if ever, leave the house during daylight hours.  I shouldn’t complain about how my Ramadan felt like an utter waste because I got a kidney infection on day five and missed fasting for the next 25 days.  I shouldn’t talk about the overwhelming sadness I felt when Eid was announced because another Ramadan had ended and I was no better off than I was before and not at all looking forward to reintroducing waswassa to the darkness of my own thoughts.  When the sun set for the last Iftar I actually cried.

I’ve been reluctant to post for a while now, not fearing public disapproval, but rather of opening myself up to too many people who actually know me as a person.  I’m not sure what it’s called when you have an easier time sharing your deepest, darkest thoughts with a stranger on an airplane than your own family or long-time friends, but I have that.  I’ll open my inner recesses of my mind to strangers (and sell tickets to the event on a decorated marquis!) but keep it tightly locked to the people around me.   But now a certain element of mixing has occurred, and I don’t know whether I should tell the strangers on my blog that I feel useless, overwhelmed and frustrated, or whether I should tell the friends and family on my blog that I’m a little busy but perfectly fine, thank you.

And thanks to the magic of RSS feeds (thanks for the reminders, guys) my ingenious plan of not updating for a long ole time is not likely to work.  Which is such a pity, because I spent all of five minutes devising it, and now I want those five minutes back.

Meh.

I have no choice but to be myself, because I don’t know how to be anyone else.  I just don’t know how much of myself I can be here anymore.  Let’s see.

5 Thoughts on “Anonymity, shmanonimity?

  1. You don’t know me. I’m ODB.

    Just sayin….

  2. Hey, I’m ODB! You take that back!

  3. ODB : Open Data Base? 😀 :S

  4. hey

    I’ve been following your blog for years. I check in every month or so. When I first found you, you were still single, living in a hut in Pakistan, scraping together dinner out of ramen noodles and peanut butter (together in one recipe). I used to read Owl’s blog as well, until it disappeared. I hope you stay and keep sharing. You’ll have at least one more person, someone you’ll probably never meet in this life, muttering an ‘Oh man, may Allah help her,’ as they follow your life, one post at a time.

  5. JazakAllahuKheiran Pluto. I’m sincerely touched, and also impressed you remember our non-traditional cooking substitutions of peanut butter for peanut oil in stir fry.

    JazakAllahuKheiran for commenting. If you’re ever in Dubai, let me know. Seriously. 🙂

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