Dear Tired of Trying

“This made me weep today. I’ve already read this post 4-5 months ago and yesterday while thinking about what I’m going through.. I got Exactly these feelings .. the forming of outer cover .. the smashing .. the shattering .. And I thought of You. This article. And then as I checked your site today I picked up some random article displayed and started reading.. And it turned out to be the Same One I was thinking of yesterday! It brought me back to Realisation. BUT, Zeba, Do you still have that ‘fear/depression’ after the shattering? I do.. still. The shattering did make me gain more trust .. But .. the fear of those trials or the depression still remains in a corner. I am still dangling between Hope and Fear (from the trials, Astaghfirullah).” -Tired of Trying

Dear Tired of Trying,

Do I ever still have fear or depression after having the hardened out covering on my heart smashed?  Are tears wet? Does loneliness hurt? Does the pope wear a funny hat?

There, I made you smile.  A little bit.  I hope.  And now, a side-story!

I had a muscle biopsy once- I can’t remember if I blogged about it- but it was done with only local anaesthetic on my skin because the muscle they removed needed to be chemical-free for a correct lab analysis.  This was not a needle biopsy- this was a crouton biopsy- where they cut out a 1 cm by 1 cm cube of my right arm and then cauterised the two-inch hole shut. I still have a dent in my right arm from where the muscle was taken.

That is not my arm.  But that is what they did to my arm.

That is not my arm. But that is what they did to my arm.

I don’t know if I should even try to describe what it felt like.  In theory, I know that scalpels are sharp and surgeons are precise.  In reality, it felt like having my arm sawed open with a dull, rusty hacksaw and then carved into with a melon baller.  Have you ever thrown up from pain? Me neither, but I wanted to.  My brain was screaming in complete panic- every muscle in my body tensed to flee- and nothing I have ever done- no surgery, no accident, no mortal wound and no child birthed- was ever as painful as having that muscle biopsy.  But I did it.  And I did it willingly.  And I was grateful my surgeon did it to me.  If doing it again meant getting healthier, I would do it again.  Would I be looking forward to it? Hell no.  But I would do it again.  That is pain with purpose.

Pain is coming.  Are you afraid?

If you are, then remember this: The hammer of Qadr is going to beat you against the anvil of the Master Smith.  If you’ve been burned, it’s because He’s scorching the impurities out of you.  If you’ve been cooled off only to be thrust into fire again, it’s because you needed that second heating.

If you feel like your life is nothing but an incessant pounding- where you get smashed in the face by Qadr of Allah over, and over, and over again, remember- that is how steel is crafted.  Your heart was cold, hard, sin-encrusted rock.  Allah burns the rock away, heats it until it is soft, and then pounds it into what He wills. Some of us are swords.  Others of us are armor.  What better honor than letting your pain turn you into a shield for others? AllahuAkbar.

(If you thought you were done- that everything had been burned out of you and you weren’t in any danger of being mistaken for coal, remember, hearts rust.  Blades dull.  And that’s why life’s a grindstone, and that’s why Allah is pressing your face against it.)

Fear of Allah is part of faith, but fear of Allah’s will is opposite to Trust in Allah.  Fear is a button that Shaitaan pushes so that when Allah turns the heat up, you turn away.  Or when He lays your heart upon the anvil, you don’t yield- you break.  Without trusting Allah and trusting in the purpose of that pain, you flee in terror and go back to being a rock with a heart inside.

Except, now it’s broken.

The pain Allah intends for you has a purpose, and when you understand what the purpose is, not only do you not fear it, you would also volunteer again to have the purpose accomplished.  That is why- despite the indescribable pain of childbirth, women still have- and love- their children.  This is also why I’d offer up my other arm for a muscle biopsy if there was a chance it would make me better.  That is why, when the blows start raining down on your head- you can place it gently down in submission and soften your heart, making it malleable in Allah’s hands.  Or you can turn to face Allah, rather than flee Him, and find yourself beautifully refashioned by the work He’s done.  If you knew what beauty He was crafting you towards,  you would miss being on the anvil when you’d been given a break  And if you hadn’t been on the anvil for a while, you’d get worried that you weren’t worthy of anymore detailing from Him, and then- then you would really be afraid.

Trust in Allah.  If you find yourself being fearful, remember that He promised no burden greater than you could bear, and fear is a weapon Shaitan uses to prevent you from being turned into one against him.

7 Comments
  1. Assalamu Alaikum :)

    This was amazing masha’Allah, reminded of the Sahabas(RA) who would worry that Allah’s angry with them if life went good for them for too long.

    May Allah make us of those who turn to Him repeatedly.

    Wassalam
    Ilm

  2. JazakhAllah Khayraan Kaseeran wa kaseera! I’ve no words for you sister. You hit the nail when you said ‘Without trusting Allah and trusting in the purpose of that pain, you flee in terror and go back to being a rock with a heart inside’. This is Exactly what I was doing with my heart. Helping it flee! :’( I do remember the times like you’ve mentioned — When you aren’t tested, your heart grows restless and thats the real worry. Yeah, I remember crying to sleep several nights in a row and I Cherish those days because they were the ones which made me feel So Close and Strongly bonded to Allah taa’la that I couldn’t stand in Salah without tears. And there are times like this, where I flee … May Allah forgive me. May He replenish our faith and help us face every trial in a way we’re supposed to. I can’t thank you enough sister for helping me help myself. I can definitely pray for you though. (2 nawafil?). Your surgery made me wince. It must’ve hurt you bad :( May Allah taa’la reward you trillion times your patience.. Hmm yeah, this life’s a grindstone. Duniyah. And that’s the very reason its Duniyah; not Jannah. I understand now that My terribly-scaredy-self should be more scared of missing the point that the purpose of the calamity is to purify me.
    A soothing quote I found a while ago -
    Yasmin Mogahed – “The objective of Life is Simple: Break every single chain that holds you down; hand the chains back to the false masters and say with all your heart,mind,soul and being : Here, I have only One Master”
    Hasbunallahu wa Neymal Wakeel! Tawakkaltu Al-Allah!
    May You and your family be blessed with the best of health, prosperity and Peace in this life and the Next. You’ll all be in my prayers, In sha’ Allah.

  3. Assalam o alaikum

    May Allah swt reward you both sister Abez and (not) tired of trying . Its absolutely amazing how Allah swt guides us to people who become a source of comfort for us . I am currently going through a difficult period in life .I would check your blog multiple times during the day last couple of weeks and was too perturbed to post a comment but Alhamdulillah (not) tired of trying articulated my feelings so well in her post . I had been making the same mistake . Indeed “fear of Allah swt is part of faith but fear of Allah’s will is opposite to Trust in Allah ”

    May Allah swt grant us all ease ,preserve our iman and strengthen our tawakkal in Him .

  4. “Your heart was cold, hard, sin-encrusted rock. Allah burns the rock away, heats it until it is soft, and then pounds it into what He wills.”
    Subhan Allah, this is so beautifully put together and such a good reminder. Jazak Allah khair :)

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