Abez sez Assalamualaikum!

Meh.

I am officially taking my blog back.

From whom, you may ask. From myself.  Because one part of me took my blog and claimed it in the name of Writing, while another part of me was like Hey, I was using that for catharsis! What gives!

So I’m taking my blog back and claiming it in the name of catharsis.  Because I enjoy writing, but I also need catharsis.

Incidentally, there is a difference between complaining TO Allah and complaining ABOUT Him.  I have no complaints about Allah or what He has willed for me.  I am pleased with Allah as my Lord and Islam as my religion.  I am NOT pleased, however- with my own ability to manage my workload.

The kids have been homeschooling since… April? Or was it May?  Has it really only been two months since we pulled them out of school? Because it feels like forever.  I pushed for their removal, and I don’t regret pulling them out.  I recognize though, that it’s going to take more than just good intentions to get the homeschool ball rolling.  And let’s just say it’s a work in progress.

Work is complicated, irritating, and further exacerbated by my pain levels.  My good knee is quickly becoming my less bad knee.  My wrists have started to click and recently- pop.  My left hand chronically hurts.  We may, InshaAllah- finally be getting a housekeeper.  We’ve been six months without one.

Can I just admit that I’m lonely?  Is that allowed? Can I raise my hand- amidst the motion-blurred swirl of life, home, work, and three children- and say that I feel lonely even though I am never, ever left alone? Can I say that even an entire hour of my husband’s undivided attention is not enough to fill the void where meaningful adult interaction is supposed to be?  That socialising on a quarterly basis is watering a dying plant but doing nothing to tend the garden?

The more socially withdrawn I become, the less I feel like socialising.  Finding the time to call people, line up schedules, get dressed, and of all things- clean the house- means having fun is too much work.  And I don’t need any more work.  If I try to meet people outside the house, then packing up my crew of beautiful savages, their backpacks, their water, their snacks, their books, and their whining- into the easy-bake oven known as The Car and travel through the life-leeching Dubai heat to… wander around yet another mall- well, that’s just too much work too.  So it’s easier to stay home, stay cool, and stay sane.  Even if that means staying lonely.

Please to refrain from posting supportive comments in the box. If you know me, just show up. If you don’t, make dua.  But not here. In private, to Allah.

The End.

13 Thoughts on “Meh.

  1. Grey Crayon on June 16, 2014 at 1:56 PM said:

    Please note, this is not, i stress NOT a supportive comment, it is just me thinking out loud that i need to come over for a play date… soon! 🙂

  2. Grey Crayon on June 16, 2014 at 2:01 PM said:

    ‘In’shaa Allah’!

  3. Lol- I accept your unsupportive comment. Come over and play. I miss you tons. < <>>

  4. Saadia on June 20, 2014 at 7:39 PM said:

    when u were not posting, I felt lonely. You light up the world for many.

  5. AssalamuAlaikum Saadia- I’m flattered, but also find the number of people silently reading (AND NEVER COMMENTING, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!) a bit stressful. I feel like I’m standing on a stage in pin-drop silence and the pressure to say something meaningful or witty or amusing really takes away from my ability to enjoy blogging or use my blog for its primary purpose- which is catharsis.

    But that was a tangent, so I’ll come back now. JazakAllahuKheiran. I’m glad my blog makes you happy. I guess I just don’t like the feeling of having a one-sided conversation. 🙂

  6. (Not)TiredOfTrying on June 23, 2014 at 8:12 AM said:

    Point noted! See your comment box flooding now 😉
    Jokes apart, I second Saadia. You do light up the world for us Zeba. And guess what? I always (ALWAYS!) imagine you as mom running behind her children + busy with AutismUAE meetings + fulfilling household duties in the remaining time … So I am always apprehensive to comment. But now, I understand we need to let you know what we think too 😀 that’s awesome! Am just flattered by the thought of you reading my comments 🙂

    And guess what, I Still feel So happy thinking about the entire post dedicated to solve my problem! (“Dear Tired of Trying”). Still! 🙂 Zeba, You’re amazing! An amazing super-woman! OK, this is not a supportive comment. This is what I think of you, what keeps me going and what lifts me up when I think of You 🙂 You strike a chord in me with every post of yours Zeba. Well, looks like I can go on and on and on.. I love for the sake of Allah swt!
    *heart* to KIM

  7. < <>> JazakAllahukheiran Not Tired, I needed that. Not the flattery, but the love. I appreciate the warm fuzzies. I’ve been needing some.

  8. I’m coming over as soon as I can. xx

  9. Rabiah on June 26, 2014 at 12:06 AM said:

    Assalamoualaikum, I am guilty of being one of the ‘silently reading’ lol… I have been reading yr blog for some time now and MashaAllah I like the way you write and I admire your courage …..

  10. Monaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- come play. I’ll lend you half a cup of sanity. It’s all I got. I’ll trade you for half a cup of yours!

    Rabiah- JazakAllahuKheiran. It feels nice to know I have old friends I haven’t met yet. 🙂

  11. Carol on July 11, 2014 at 2:26 AM said:

    So glad I took the time to visit your blog today and find out how you really feel. This is the problem with having daughters whose primary from of communication is writing. They hide their real feelings from their families and only share with their readers. Families have to be readers too to know the whole you.
    Sending you my love from far-away-suburbian America. Hope to be spending lots of fun times and supporting mommy-work-release times when you can leave the kids in my care and run off for adult entertainment (aka- a cup of coffee with a friend without rugrats underfoot). In the meantime, do call your father to drop the kids with him at the pool as often as possible. Love, Mom

  12. Unnamed on July 11, 2014 at 4:50 PM said:

    When ibnul qayyim was in makkah for several years without his tinctures and remedies, he relied solely on surat al fatiha for shifaa. May Allah give you and us that. Shifaa of the heart and shifaa of the body.

  13. Dropped by your blog for the first time today and read this. Even though I don’t have any kids (yet), this extreme busy-ness along with loneliness touched a nerve.

    A PhD program is exactly the same. Only, your baby is the PhD studies (and it ain’t an adult!)

    PS: I can’t believe you’re handling this much btw (and without a housekeeper too) :s

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