Here we go again: How to Mortally Wound Yourself While Trying to Answer the Phone In order to do this successfully, you must have only one phone, and it has to be downstairs. Now, go upstairs and wait for the phone to ring. When it does ring, run headlong down the stairs at break-neck speed.…

If this blog is funny-lookin, sorry, we’re having technical difficulties. Anyone fluent in HTML: please email me! I need help!!! You guys…I’m at it again…sometimes I have mad inventive schemes. This week’s is a fly catcher. Yes, a device to catch flies. No, I’m not nuts, stop looking at me like that. Pakistan has BILIONS…

American Christian + Pakistani Muslim = FUNdamentalist Hijabi? In honor o’ Saint Patty’s day…oops…I mean cuz Yaz asked, here’s wassap with my family. My dad (a Pakistani Muslim) traveled all over the world (as a teacher, then a sailor, then a waiter, then a cook) and ended up in the US where he met my…

The process begins anew: my mother has just cranked up some gospel rock and started a triple batch of peanut butter cookies. According to the angry Christian guy in the stereo: God’s got an army/not afraid to fight/soldiers of the cross/children of the light. Warriors of righteousness/with healing in their hands/God’s got an army/marching through…

Je-tu present: Dinner Theater Blog A one-act farce by Abez A. Rat Act one Garcon: Good evening Madame, welcome to Chez du Rat trop Paresseux pour Cuisiner. Ey-yam Guy de Maupassant, and I vill be your vaiter tonight. ‘ow may I be of service to you? Me: I’m hungry, you got eats? Garcon: (kissing his…

You know, sometimes I outdo even myself. Based on today’s experience, I present: How to Detonate Your Pressure Cooker. See, you wouldn’t normally consider a pressure cooker to be an explosive device, but with a little skill, some hungry impatience and instruction from yours truly, you too can endanger your very life. Simply ignore everything…

T’was the night before Monday And all through the house Not a creature was stirring Except this lazy bum here who can’t think of anything to rhyme with house, excluding mouse, grouse, souse and louse. Hmmmm. This blog is finally operational and pretty slick lookin if I may say so ;). It’s 3 am, and…

Today we present: How To Mortally Wound Yourself While Doing Laundry It’s quite simple, really, you just turn your head while throwing clothes into the dryer and consequently rake your hand over the metal latch that makes the dryer close. Having done this, you will have torn a gash across your thumb, cross-wise. You may…

Okie dokie people, I don’t know whether this is going to work or not, but I’ve moved my blog from xanga to blogger. My previous blogs (which I’m not smart enough to transfer over yet) are here. I’m still in the process of figuring all this out, which is especially difficult because I speak English,…