AssalamuAlaikum internets, good news! I’ve been upgraded from unknown and terminal to just chronic and only possibly life-threatening!  Alhamdulillah!   My original diagnosis of myopathy, unspecified (here and here) has been changed to Dysautonomia, subtype POTS and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, details of which are here.

So maybe I’m not dying after all! Oh wait, we all are, so in any case:


Also, I am shamelessly soliciting prayers for:

  • Patience
  • Contentment with the will of Allah
  • Complete and Miraculous recovery
  • Complete recovery of Khalid’s autism
  • Unexpected conversion of my Mormon mother
  • Ease for my family and children
  • Jannah

So without beating around the bush, I am attempting to use my time & energy to accrue as many duas & good deeds as I can, in whatever way I can.  When I die, I want to leave a legacy that keeps earning blessings for me even after I die.  Whether that’s in the form of  articles, stories, poetry, or FB shares, I don’t care how I build my legacy, I just want to contribute as much to my aakhira as possible.

So in case you wonder why all of a sudden I’m reposting my old poetry, or posting too much about dying, or getting all high and mighty about how zen I am about dying (maybe) please note: I don’t care.

Am I shamelessly seeking attention?

Absolutely!  But it’s not yours, it’s Allah’s.  If my melodramatic meanderings about this special needs mother with an incurable disease makes you grateful to Allah, or seek forgiveness from Him or fear your own account, then I have succeeded.

If sharing my crushing fears about my children’s emotional well-being after I die causes you to make dua for them, even better.

If my admission of sin and guilt inspires you to pray for my forgiveness, awesome.  AllahuAkbar. I’m not asking for your pity.  All I want is your prayers.

When we make dua for something and Allah withholds it from us, it’s because he has something better in store.  I begged for Khalid not to have autism, but he did, and it’s made me a better human and a better mother.

I’ve pleaded for good health and physical recovery, but being sick has made me a better Muslim.

I’m praying for life and the chance to watch my children grow into adulthood, but you know what? If Allah withholds that from me, it’s because my death will be better- for myself, for my children, and for my aakhira.  Because guess what- if I wasn’t sick right now I’d probably be playing video games instead of begging for mercy.

By Abez, The End.

  1. crayon

    “if my limbs weren’t dying right now I’d probably be playing video games instead of begging for mercy”… ‘Subhan Allah’ x

  2. Shameem

    Prayers coming your way. Its so nice to read your thoughts. To Read that , even even facing death you are seeing that as a part of the plan. And even nicer, for you to share, its reminding me today of a part of life i often forget.

  3. Umm Sulayman


    will be making duas for you sister. jazakAllahukhairn for everything you have posted over the years. i have learned a lot.

    its so true about the playing video games! when i am ill or in my ‘dark’ place thats when the sincere dua really comes out, at least thats what i find. in fact i think i have made some of my most sincere and heartfelt duas in labour or when i have been in pain.

    its not easy though there are times at night.

    i feel disconected quite often these days. i do miss that feeling of firmness and that scares me the most of all things.

    ya muqalibol qaloobi thabit qalbee ala deenik.

    May Allaah swt cure you, cure your son, May He guide your entire khandan to islam, may He make your children from amongst the best of the muslims, May He swt grant you all peace and love and the best of this life and the best of the hereafter. May His peace and blessings be upon the prophet Muhammed, his family, his companions and all those who try to follow his way ameen.

    not sure if this will help, but you can have a look in sha Allaah.
    ok i read some of this and he mentions curcumin, turmeric. but he also mentions a lot of other things. if you feel up to it take a look. it might help Allahu Alim. or maybe someone else could read it and check it out for you. he also mentions detoxing and taking enough vitamins d3.

    there are many doctors out there who are having success at treating autism
    Allahu Alim.


  4. Abez

    AssalamuAlaikum UmmSulaym- JazakAllahuKheiran for the duas and the links, I’ll take a look at them InshaAllah. 🙂

    You know if you miss that feeling, you can still get it back without having to wait for times of desperation, it’s just a little harder to get it. Not impossible, just harder. 🙂 But if you come to Allah walking, He comes to you at speed. 🙂


  5. Angela

    Assalaumu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barrakatu sister Abez,

    Ameen to your duuas and may Allah accept the duuas I have made for you and inshaAllah remember you and all those who need them. May Allah SWT bless you for what He has taught me through your writing.

    Allahu Barrak Feeki Ukhti


  6. munirah

    Assalamualaykum sister..

    I am new to your site, got interested when I read your article on Riya’ on MM…inshaAllah your site will be regularly visited.

    I think I’ve gained more insight reading your one article and legacy page more than I have listening to friends..

    Dua for you and yours on the way, inshaAllah.

  7. Aicha B.


    I have just discovered your blog. 🙂

    I’ve read the article from MuslimMatters and it really touched my heart! I started crying and I just had to know more about your story.


    But I just want to say too.
    Your life has many blessings in disguises
    Your story is amazing
    -Aicha B.

  8. rina

    slms dear sister,
    there is no disease that Allah swt gives and hasn’t given the cure for it first
    please have a look at this short video,

    best wishes and duas for your recovery

  9. Noman

    Assalam-O-Alaikum Sister,
    I ran into your blog and specially the article “Bittersweet: A Spiritual Perspective on Special Needs Parenting” and it really brought tears into my eyes. I have a 4 year old also and he is on the autism spectrum as well. I never looked at things from your perspective. I love my kids (a 5 year old princess who loves to read and draw and the 4 old prince who can problem solve things in seconds but with …..) but I always complained to Allah when I would see things other parents would be doing and how tough it is for us to communicate with him. While staying in this hotel on a business trip and awake at 4AM, I literally had tears in my eyes realizing how ungrateful I have been to the blessing Allah has given to me upon reading your article. I prayed and asked for Allah’s forgiveness for the hurtful thoughts that ran in my mind for the past 3 years. I prayed for you so Allah can give you health as well and give you the rewards for showing your Muslim brother what he had been missing all this time and being frustrated with things. May Allah make it easy on you and your family and may you succeed in the test of this life. I will inshaAllah pray that I am allowed to sit in Jannah with my wife and kids and make up for things. Ameen.

  10. Putri

    MasyaAllah your words inspire me. My doa for you and your family…I have only read one of your articles. I will start to read more. It will be my source of solace and food for my soul. May I reach the level of Iman that you are now at to be so accepting of Allah’s trials and tribulations and of course joy – in your husband and your children. Amin

  11. Sister-from-Maldives

    Assalaamualaikum! Masha Allah your articles are really entertaining, spiritually uplifting, thought provoking, and lots of other good stuff. I feel like i already know a bit of you! (Just a teeny bit) But wallahi. i love you for the sake of Allah. 🙂

    Lots of duas for you. 🙂 May Allah keep you and your family safe.

  12. Abez

    AssalamuAlaikum Sister From the Maldives- JazakAllahuKheiran- I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog 🙂 If you make it as far back as 2003, I think you get to say you know me more than a teeny bit, lol May Allah increase us Muslims in love for each other and give us the chance to meet in Jannah. 🙂 Ameen!

  13. Hannah

    Ive been looking for an update on your health! MashAllah! <3 that is sooo good to hear (read, hehe)!! alhumdulillah alhumdulillah. May Allah heal you! breath of relief. I just love your blog.

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