Insert Angst Here

Certain blog posts are composed entirely of angst. This will be one of them.

And now, in alphabetical order, I present to you the causes of my angst.

Arthritis: My everything hurts. But it stopped hurting when I started meds for the arthritis. But then I was having nightmares every night, and going to sleep at night became a source of angst. So then my Dr. changed my meds, and the nightmares stopped but all the pain came back. I followed up with doc, and she said that if my pain isn’t responding to this medicine then it might not even be from arthritis, so now I’m confused (and also, in pain) because if it’s not arthritis then why did everything stop hurting with the last medicine?

Autism: Khalid’s doing amazingly on an academic level, but his social skills are stuck in KG mode. I take him to play and he ends up being by himself regardless of the number of children there, because other nine year olds don’t speak his play language. He gets along best with five year olds. They still play trains and dinosaurs and simple cause & effect games.

Blogging: I feel guilty about neglecting my blog, like properly remorseful. And yet, between the pain involved with writing and the pain of my subject matter, I’m really having a hard time. I’m stressed, so I’m going to end up writing about stress. I don’t want to though, I’m not here to bring myself or other people down. I know that people will find whatever they’re looking for, and I refuse to look for pain. Pain seems to be looking for me though.

EDS: My neck got stuck again a few days ago, and I couldn’t find my phone, husband was out of the country, and the kids needed a blue million things but all they got was peanut butter & jelly. Eventually I found my phone and ordered in fried chicken, Alhamdulillah. Took some painkillers and slathered myself in voltaren gel. Am still stiff but at least I can move my neck. This whole EDS thing is getting more irritating as time passes, even my wrists creak & grind now.

Fever: I had one of those for the last two days. I went to bed at 7:30 pm yesterday, and was up and down all night with bad dreams, drenched in sweat, and disoriented. I’m hoping tonight will be better. HF got home today after being away for a week, and managing the kids and work without him is never a walk in the park.

Finances: So we’re thinking of moving to the US so we can find better help for Khalid, but money makes the world go round. Admittedly, we don’t have all that much. Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed us with more than most people- that we have a room over our heads and food every day is more than even half the world’s population can claim, but relocating the whole family, setting up a new home, and me being unable to work a full-time job due to health is worrying me.

Hamster: Marty died last week or so. She passed away peacefully in her sleep. The girls buried her in a flower pot in the backyard and put a little marker on her grave and while they seem to be over it, every time I look out the kitchen window and see her resting place it makes me sad again. I don’t actually know if Hamsters go to Jannah, heh.

Husband: Oops! I’ve been caught out of bed. Time to be a grownup and stop blogging in the dark.


Abez is a 50% white, 50% Pakistani, and 100% Muslim. She is also chronically ill and terminally awesome. She is the ever-lovin Momma of: - Khalid, a special little boy with autism - Iman, a special little girl with especially big hair -Musfira, an especially devious baby Spoiler, Abez is also Zeba Khan on

  1. Jessica

    Trying to not lurk… i have been impressed with the resilience I’ve seen in you. I hope that your troubles grant you shifa and that thay pass. Take care of yourself so you have the resources to care for others.

  2. RandomVisitor

    Inna ma’al Usri Yusra.
    My trials sometimes make me feel so low that I end up crying over it and spoiling my health but then isn’t it all temporary? We’re all sailing in the same boat, lets just hope the boat reaches correct destination safely in the Aakhirah.

  3. Owl

    THERE YOU ARE. And also, I came to your blog because I was tempted to write my own “EVERYTHING HURTS” blog. It’s been a bad week for me, and our Denial Aint Just a River In Egypt Lil EDS Bro, and now I see you too. I read on the EDS boards that high humidity and low barometric pressure supposedly makes flare ups worse. I know we’re in high humidity fo sho, with all the crazy fog, but my five minutes of googling seemed to teach me that our pressure is on the higher side of the UAE average. So I dunno. Alls I know is EVERYTHING IS HURTING. LALALA. (sing that to the tune of Everything is Awesome).

    Visiting those EDS boards is always depressing to me, cuz it’s both holding up a mirror to what I try not to admit, and also, showing me my possible future. I too was quite bummed about the further degredation of my health but then I remember that simple thing – maybe Allah wants me to die without any sins. Each tiny bit of this constant and diverse pain washes away our sins, and we’re filthy with them. So…. think of that. And say Subhanallah. 🙂 Allah loves you.

  4. Umm Muhammad

    Hahaha @ your sister Owl’s comment. She sounds like so much fun, as do you.

    Jazakumullahu khairan for the update on your life. I hope Allah takes your pain away. Read a lot of Seerah. It puts everything in perspective and simultaneously allows you to escape and spend a little time with the Best of the Best. Might I recommend one I finished recently… it was called ‘Mercy to Humanity’ by A’idh al-Qarni. Made me cry.

    What kind of help does Khalid need? Help with social skills, you mean? Allah write khair for your family.

    Just this morning I finished reading (for the second time, it was that good) ‘The Spark’ by Kristine Barnett. Her son has autism too. It was an amazingly inspirational book.

    Love to you and your kids, fellow sister in Islam.

  5. Umm Safa

    Assalamualaykum Zeba,

    I’ve admired you even before I came upon your blog or knowing you as Zeba of abezsez. I had read your short story ‘The Commission’ on MM and felt awe for your brilliant story writing and plot.. I then read all of ‘em and had admired you ever since. I’m guilty of never commenting but coming back for almost every new post of yours..

    ..and reading the old ones when I don’t find an update
    ..and making dua for you and your family
    ..and chuckling at your humour and loving your kids’ antics
    ..and crying a little and crying a lot
    ..and forwarding your brilliant articles and stories to friends..
    ..and hoping for strength like yours
    ..and praying that I get to meet you in this life and the next

    I pray that Allah takes away all the sources of your angst and pain and replace them with peace, tranquility and the best of everything.. As He is the best of bestowers..
    You are Alhamdulillah a source of inspiration..

    *Love and dua to you and your family from Hyderabad, India*

  6. S

    Same here..i read your old posts when i dont find new ones. Alhamdulillah your optimism at life no matter what situation your in motivates me to do the same. JazakAllah for your time and efforts x

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