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  • Dear Mommma, Dad and Bloggers

    Well, something about this computer’s cookie settings won’t allow me to log in to my email box to sent my parents a letter, so I’m writing my parents a blog instead.

    The plane trip was pretty good, for the first time in my life I can say that I enjoyed flying PIA. The plane was new, a Boeing 777, which means nothing to me technically but in laymen’s terms it meant bigger seats with foot rests and personal computer screen thingies, even in economy with multiplayer gaming and your choice of movies & stuff. I ended up watching a fifty year-old adaptation of a Russian version of Beauty and the Beast, where Beauty’s name is Anastasia and her headdress and frock are distinctly Ukrainian. (the Beast, after he transformed, looked something like a hunky Estonian.)

    I also watched the relatively new Dreamworks cartoon, Sinbad. I give it as many thumbs down as I possibly can, which is two, and as I type this I’m trying to curl my toes to see if I can add two more. Three of the four thumbs are for historical inaccuracy. Having read the original 1001 Arabian Nights as a child, I can tell you that Sinbad is-

    a- not Greek

    b- not a pirate

    c- not a polytheist

    Where in the movie he’s all of the above, a thief from Syracuse whose run-in with the goddess Aris (sp?) sets him on a whirlwind adventure with a sassy chick with which he obviously and eventually falls in love. The last downward thumb is for the cute animal that cartoon-makers feel the need to include in every movie. My theory is that this is the plush, adorable character that the children will nag their parents to buy, like Flounder from the Little Mermaid, Pegasus from Hercules and the raccoon from Pocahontas. This time it was a slobbery but sagacious dog who leaps in and licks people at all the warm and fuzzy moments, and can launch harpoons at the really dramatic ones.

    Dreamworks did do an interesting and imaginative job with the animation though, so technically it gets four thumbs down but one pinky up. But I should stop reviewing two-year old cartoons now. You should have seen it for yourself by now, lol.

    Right, well there’s an MSA reunion picnic that Owlie and I are off to right now. I have a whole bunch of other exciting and Fob-flavored observations that I could include in this blog (your Costco is bigger than our airport) but I’ll have to hold them till next time.

    Love to Momma & Abbu, take care of yourselves and each other, don’t do anything crazy now. 🙂

    Love, Peace & Handi Grease

    -Abez

    #101 Chicagoistan, USA

  • Pre-Flight Packing Highlights:

    • I found a bag that I thought was empty. Actually, it was our winter storage for crickets. That was exciting.
    • Fatigue makes you do funny things. Stabbing yourself in the lip with a sewing needle is not one of them.
    • We’re flying back on the same plane with Chai & Ismo. I thought that was pretty cool. 🙂
  • T minus eight hours and counting till take-off. Daylight and shopping time fading fast. Next time I blog it’ll be from Chicagoville. 🙂 Everybody pray we have a safe journey InshaAllah.

    Love, Peace & Salan Grease!

    -Abez

  • A week or two ago, I made the pukka intention of losing five pounds before I got to the US. You would assume that following that sort of intention I’d do stuff like work out more often, eat less, and sleep less. Well you assume wrong my friend, I have been working out more, but the eating has been augmented with Salt & Vinegar Chips (Pakistan Zindabad! they finally got around to making them!) and my sleep has been increased with a daily nap. There are three days before Owlie and I zoom off to the US, and how does my weight-loss stand? At two pounds.

    Yay!

    Am I disappointed? Not in the least. I was actually expecting to have gained weight, because although I started my weight-loss regimen off with gusto, it kinda petered out after the third or fourth day due to the stress, the heat, and the Salt and Vinegar Chips, whose glorious name shall be capitalized henceforth.

    Aside from losing those last three pounds, sometime before now and Sunday I also have to:

    -drop clothes off at the tailor

    -pick up other clothes from other tailor

    -buy remaining gifts (this should be capitalized too, it’s a big project)

    -find a non-broken suitcase (we’re Desi, we have no less than 12 suitcases with no less than twelve holes, tears, or missing wheels)

    -pack

    Right. I have to go eat…err… run errands.

    yum… Posted by Hello

  • Grin, Bear It, and Gaviscon.

    Seeing as how it’s been SUCH a long time since I posted, I wanna type a rockem-sockem kinda blog, but alas, it hasn’t been a rockem-sockem kinda week. It’s been an interesting week, what with my little brotha and his little friend (nineteen year olds are so cute! Awww, coochie coochie…) coming from the States. There’s also been loads of other stuff going on, and it turns out that I have stress-induced dyspepsia, isn’t that exciting! Between the chaos of trying to plan a trip and trying to entertain house guests and trying to buy gifts for everyone on a budget my stomach is trying to digest itself.

    Ironic and amusing as that may seem, it’s a bit unsettling and more often than not- it’s nauseating. I don’t know why I’m bothering to write about it except that it’s been bothering me. I get a phone call in which someone asks me when the trip is. As I answer them, I remember that so much is unfinished and so many aspects of the trip are uncertain, and then I get a kick in the stomach. That’s what it feels like anyway. Then I have to wander over to the refrigerator and drink a bottle of antacid. (Gaviscon, yum.) I’ve also been on pump-inhibitors for weeks, which in laymen’s term means medicine that will tell my hyper-enthusiastic stomach to not put out quite so much acid, thank you very much. Man, I need a vacation from planning this vacation.

    I shouldn’t complain though, really. I should just grin and bear it, because if I maintain that life is a test, then I shouldn’t be so averse to being tested. Logically that’s what my mind is saying- my mind is going, “Is this it? Is this the best the world can throw at me? Bring it on!” but my stomach is going *gurgle?* and then pumping out four times too much of the burning stuff. Luckily for me though, the stomach is not in charge and I refuse to be brought down! Ha! Allah stresses us and tests us in the same way that a smith will smelt metal, burning away the baser elements and refining what is precious, so if life seems to resemble a trial-by-fire of late, remember that it’s because Allah allowed it to, and because the pain is an exchange for previous sins. And since I have rather a lot of sins, I’ll just be content to grin- to bear it- to drink more Gaviscon.

    Alhamdulillah 🙂

  • Back!

    Hello! Yay! Wheeeeeee!!!

    The computer is finally healthy again, Alhamdulillah, real post coming soon 😀

  • Message in a bottle:

    Computer crashed. AAAAAAAK!

    Be back soon.

  • My mother told us she wanted she wanted a parrot for her birthday. She didn’t specify what color it should be, or whether or not it should be edible…The devilish looking horns were added on after the party btw, just for effect. 🙂 Posted by Hello

    Sensei Presents: An exciting day and a boring blog

    Everyone has a limit. Mine is 3 am. Precisely. The laws of Abezistan clearly state that I only have to lay in bed in the dark pretending to be asleep until 3 am. After 3 am night is over and any extra-bed excursion count as ‘waking up really early’ instead of ‘staying up really late.’

    So today I’m up really early (it’s 3 am), typing in the dark and enjoying the basement ambience. Today was my momma’s birthday and we had an adventure. The basement flooded and then a pipe busted and there was boiling hot water squirting up to the ceiling and soaking into the electrical converters, which then started smoking. A very bad habit it is too, causes cancer & stuff. So then we had to tie the pipe up with a nylon. Then we had to turn the water off to the basement. Then we had no water in the basement. Then all the leaking water flooded the septic system and my bathroom flooded. Then there was panic and much gnashing of teeth as smelly water backed onto my bedroom floor and prevented access to basically everything in the bedroom. Boy was that exciting…

    After the plumber came over and contained the emergency (I say contained, not fixed) we jazzed up the upstairs part of the house, wrapped my momma’s gifts and had us a party-sharty. There was drinks (milk), hot chicks (I was sweating), dancing (my mom did a one-man congo line around the table) and groovy tunes.

    We also went out to KFC for dinner, not because we’ve bought in to the absurd trend that KFC in Pakistan counts as fine dining, but because we said, “Hey mom, what do you want for dinner on your birthday?” and she answered, “Fried Chicken!”

    Certain local bloggers are invited over for leftover birthday cake. You know who you are. I’ll just go slice you guys some pieces. Not that I’m eating leftover birthday cake late at night. Oh no, I’m eating it early in the morning.

  • I’m sorry folks, I found this bumper sticker in a book store the other day and I couldn’t resist. I had to have it for my very own. 😀 Seen anything weird lately?

  • Today is a hamster day, a day for me to brood malevolently in my cedar chip and wonder who keeps moving it around and why people keep reaching into the cage to poke me. Ok, so maybe ‘malevolently brooding’ means watching the Discovery Channel and eating gingerbread cookies, but I’m not leaving this cedar chip, gosh darnit!

    Well, ok maybe I’ll leave the cedar chip later, but right now I feel hot and disinclined towards activity- a bad combination for someone who’s supposed to be both busy and productive. I think it’s my clothes actually. They’re making me feel sleepy. That might be my fault, since I haven’t changed out of my pajamas and it’s now 5:30. Speaking of clothes, my tailor (the competent one) is out of town for a week and Aniraz & I have already booked our tickets so there isn’t much time to spare. I don’t have any problems with my current clothes (I especially like these pajamas) but since they’re mostly wrinkly lawn shalwar-qameez in varying shades of pink (they were gifts) I think I should find some alternatives. Other than neon yellow. :p

    Help me out here you guys, what’s in fashion for the scarf wearing fundus? (say that five times fast!)

  • Have a Hamster-Flavored Day

    A mangy looking guy goes into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. The waiter shakes his head and says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

    The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you have never seen before, will you give me the food?”

    “Deal!”

    The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster and puts it on the counter. The hamster runs to the end of the counter, across the room, and up the piano. He jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin tunes.

    The waiter says, “Wow, you’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is a really good piano player.”

    He brings the man a hamburger, which he promptly eats and asks for another.

    “Money or another miracle,” says the waiter.

    The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

    The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the money. The stranger takes the frog and runs out of the restaurant.

    The waiter says. “Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions.”

    “Nah,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

    *****

    A carpet-layer finishes installing a wall-to-wall carpet at a woman’s house and reaches into his pocket for a cigarette. They’re not there. He looks around the room and sees a small bump in the middle of the newly-installed carpet.

    ‘Damn,’ he thinks, ‘I don’t want to have to tear the whole carpet out just to get the cigarettes.’

    He looks at his hammer and gets an idea. He pounds the bump until it is flat and the carpet is smooth once again. Just then the lady of the house walks in holding a pack of cigarettes.

    ‘I found these on the dining table,’ she says handing them to him. ‘By the way, have you seen my pet hamster?’

  • woohoo!

    It’s 10 pm, and having alternately eaten, lounged, chilled and then eaten again (lather, rinse, repeat) since 5, I am so stuffed/lethargic/tired that this is all I can manage for a blog right now. But I wanna say a big huge JazakAllahuKheiran for the dua’s and to ask to keep ’em coming. In the mean time, I have got to lie down… arrgg…

  • Short of sounding really dramatic, could you guys dua for me? There are times when a brotha (or sista) could really, really use a dua. This is one of those times.

  • I’m not half the man my mother is.

    I’m not half the man my mother is.

    My momma is my hero. She is the ideal to which I strive. She is the vanquisher of metronome dogs.

    This morning the Mother of All Evils and her three loud puppies were serenading the neighbourhood from our back yard again. I buried my head in my pillow and did my best to sleep through it. My mother, however, did not take it lying down. She threw dirt clods at them. She scored several direct hits. When that failed to drive the dogs away she took further action.

    She marched across the backyard Dirtscape (it’s under construction), grabbed the puppies by the scruffs of their necks and tossed them on their merry ways. This while the mother dog was cringing across the creek. One of the puppies had poked its head into a crack in the boundary wall. After a good tug it came out with a audible –pop- and a yelp (much like a barking wine-cork) and sent packing.

    My mother, being the brave and slightly nutty woman that she is, then kicked the dog’s new burrow in and threw a few more dirt clods for good measure.

    My hero. I’m not half the man my mother is…

  • Abezistan in Real Time

    Introducing self to someone at party- “Excuse me, but I think I’m your mother.”

    making pleasant conversation– “Your grandson just bit me in the head.”

    How work was today?- “There were mangos and burgers flying all over the place!”

    How did it go?- “He shot me with a grenade launcher several times.”


  • sold on an as-is, where-is basis.  Posted by Hello

    Damaged goods for sale.

  • It’s 4:45 am and I’ve run out of rocks. I started out with exactly 28 of them, my first batch being 13 decently-sized chunks and the second being 15 lesser rocks and greater dirt crumbs that weren’t so ideal for throwing but they would have to do anyway. The distance was (and still is) 110 feet, a frustrating and infuriating 110 feet when there are 11 dogs communally howling behind your house at 4:45 am and you have no way of making them be quiet.

    I did hit one. One. One dog got a glorified pebble in the flank and slunk away from the pack as my victory cry rose to the dawn sky. Two dogs learned from their comrade’s mistake (don’t stand within 90 feet of that crazy lady’s house, she has rocks…) and left along with him.

    A few more dogs took offense at the bad vibes I directed towards them and trotted away towards the soccer field. Three other dogs got wet when I slung a water-bag (like a water balloon, but much more serious) at them and scored a hit at their feet. They backed away and disappeared into the creek behind our house. That’s when I ran out of ammunition. Two dogs remained- the Statue Dog, which sat unmoving in our back yard even under the occasional barrage of my badly-aimed projectiles, and the Mother of all Evils, a small white dog with three loud puppies who prides herself on being the metronome of the wild dog world. When she barks, it’s to a steady 3-3 time.

    Bark two three

    Bark two three

    Bark two three

    Bark two three

    Though the dogs are over 100 feet away, their shrill cacophony carries far in the clear morning and reverberates in the cement basement where my bedroom is. By the time the sounds get to my sleeping ear they are a series of metallic scratching noises, or bursts of dog-themed noise often in a chorus of five or more. I would like to go back to bed, but the Mother of All Evils and the Statue Dog are still there, sitting and howling on the unfinished boundary wall that marks the end of our backyard. I’m out of rocks and they’re just out of my range for flying bags of water.

    I figured something out this morning as I stood outside the backdoor in my pajamas throwing rocks in all the wrong directions, and it has nothing to do with patience. It has to do with aim. And choosing the right rocks. And finding Aniraz’s slingshot.

  • Aniraz & I are planning a trip back to the US for the first time in four years. We also have to get the camp book together. We also have to buy gifts & clothes. We also have to figure out who we’re staying with and for how long. I’m sure I’m forgetting something…. Ah yes, my pile of unanswered email is getting deeper and staler. I received an offer for a job that I’m not sure I want to take, and it’s been a week since that email arrived. I have started and not finished four different blog layouts for four different people, all of whom have been waiting entirely too long. And plus, the dishes are dirty.

    Did you ever notice that the more you have to do, the less likely you are to do something? It’s the same way that too many people trying to fit through one doorway become stuck and then no one can get through. That’s how I feel right now. There were too many things trying to get through the door at once, so I closed it. Not that closing the door will make them go away, it will just make them grumble as they stand in line, occasionally looking at their watches and wondering if it looks like rain and whether they’ll get in before it starts.

    If only I could get them to stand in line, and then let them in one at a time and deal with them in the order that they came, but no. They all came at the same time and they all demand attention now, they all share the same deadline and they must all be finished before the second week of July.

    I’d like to believe that I handle stress well. I still think I do, because I have never lost control of myself or my life, even in stressful situations, but man…I just cannot deal with long to-do lists. I never learned how to juggle, and now I’ve gone and dropped everything on the floor.

    *sigh*

  • Camp Book

    Ok bloggers and bloggerettes, here’s the deal. Every year, the super-shiny Muslim summer camp where Aniraz and I were campers (and then counsellors) puts out a camp book. It’s a collection of articles geared towards readers about 14 years and up. The book covers the basics of Islam and also includes crazy quizzes, jokes, poems, and general goofiness.

    Though there is no shortage of Islamic articles circulating online and in print, the problem is that they are usually written way above or way below the teenage level. And very few of them are humorous or written in a way that will command attention from a 14 year old. The challenge is to write concise, interesting, and sometimes funny articles that simplify things without insulting the reader’s intelligence. That’s where Aniraz and I need help. If you can write, or have read any article that would fit the above requirements, please, please, please email Aniraz or myself. Or, if you have any questions, leave them in the comment box. We have 60 pages and three weeks so gentleman, start your engines…

    In the mean time, here’s a sample article from one of the camp books from a few years back. If it seems sort of odd, remember it was written for young girls, published in a book that was distributed only for girls.

    Myths, misconceptions &

    blatant ignorance about Hijab: A Dialogue

    What is hijab? That thing on your head?

    Well, that’s called a scarf, but a lot of people do call it a hijab. Hijab means modesty, and hijab is the clothes you wear and a way of speaking and behaving in public.

    So you never, ever take that off, right? Not even at home?

    No, of course not. It’s been welded to my head using a state-of the art grafting system. I even shower with it!

    People who ask that question are silly. The hijab is worn only in front of non-immediate-family member males, whether they be outside, at school, at home, or in the shower.

    Can you hear what I am saying?

    Huh? I can’t hear you, I have my scarf tucked into my ears.

    If I can answer, then I can hear. Yes I hear you. The scarf goes over your ears, not in them. Sometimes I tuck my scarf behind my ears, even if it does make me look like dumbo…

    Do you stop wearing that off when you get married?

    No, a married woman’s beauty is private property (not the husband’s property, hers) as much as a non-married woman’s. The Hijab isn’t worn out of obedience to men, it’s worn out of modesty and obedience to God.

    Are you already called for?

    Yes. When I was born my father traded me for three goats and a chicken that gives sour milk.

    Ok, Not really. Getting ‘called for’ early on is not the most recommendable practice in the world. First off- you choose who you marry. Your parents can suggest people, but forcing you is completely non-Islamic. The whole idea with Muslim girls being passed off as goods the moment they are marriageable is a bit of an ignorant stereotype. Although it may happen in some cultures, it is not part of Muslim belief, which clearly states that a woman can only be married according to her choice and free will.

    Have you been forced to wear that?

    Not anymore than I am forced to put pants on before I walk out the door. Without a hijab, I consider myself naked, well, head-naked is the appropriate term.

    Does wearing a scarf mean you’ll go to heaven?

    I don’t know about myself personally, since only God can judge, but as a practice, no. Wearing a scarf does not guarantee a fun after life any more than wearing a cross or a yarmulke. Looking religious is only part of the deal. You can’t just look pious, you have to be pious.

    Why hide your hair and beauty? God gave them to you, so why be ashamed?

    I am not hiding, I am protecting. You don’t desire what you can’t see…hint hint. About being ashamed, I am not ashamed. I have enough respect for myself to keep my dignity. I have no intention of turning myself into a walking sex-symbol. Now that’s shameful.

    So wait, the whole purpose is to make yourself ugly?

    I am not ugly!

    Are too.

    Shuddap! Ugly are the women with fake faces and clothes they need poured into. They represent the degrading of women all over the world. Even business women wear short skirts. You can’t even be successful unless you’re half nekkid! Women go along with this, and that is what’s ugly.

    Hijab does not make you ugly! It focuses on your inner beauty, and there is no visual standard that you could possibly come up with. Hijab represents the dignity and strength that come with being a good Muslim woman, not ugliness. The most beautiful Muslim women don’t need make-up, they have Noor.

    So if the Muslim God said women have to cover their hair, how come not all Muslims do?

    Does every Christian go to church? Do all Jews eat Kosher? Does every Hindu stay vegetarian?

    I’m glad I’m Christian. I don’t have to cover my hair.

    Oh yeah? Read 1 Corinthains 11:3-10. The bible calls covering the head a mark of respect.

    What color is your hair?

    What color are my eyebrows?

    Why can’t you just tell me what color your hair is?

    That would ruin the whole purpose of wearing the scarf. That’d be like wearing a loose shirt and then telling everybody your waist and hip measurements.

    So, what are your waist and hip measurements?

    How would you like your remains displayed?

    So, what are you doing on Saturday night?

    Kicking your butt.


  • It got better… Posted by Hello

    This photo by request and request. I apologize for the cheap photo quality. Or well, actually, I don’t, because if I was really sorry I would’ve taken the trouble to hook my digital cam up instead of being lazy and using the webcam instead.

    Well, I’ve got a busy few weeks ahead of me, and I have a rather large project which you guys might be able to help me with, you beautiful bloggers, you. I’ll post how you guys can help me out (Yes, you!) tomorrow. In the mean time, enjoy my first mortal wound picture.


  • bloggerbot test pic. Testing, testing, check Hammie, one two three.. Posted by Hello

    Well, I’m being bad today. And there’s watermelon in my lap. It leapt off my fork. *geronimo!* After a long and boring wait for my mother at the dentist’s office this morning, I sped off to Chai’s house to chill with literaunty and ismo. (oh, and you too Chai). I came home at a reasonable time but I brought Ismo with me, and we played about two solid hours of video games while eating shameful amounts of gingersnaps. After dropping Ismo off, Aniraz and I went to the tailor and then went shopping, where we bought:

    cloth

    thread

    a pair of shoes

    No french fries (boy was I disappointed)

    After coming home at 9:30 we had dinner and I have been lounging about the house ever since. Lounging isn’t a morally reprehensible act in and of itself, but when you consider how steeped I am in old emails, pressing housework and dirty laundry, such laziness could be counted as major domestic sin.

    So I’ve done absolutely nothing productive today. Maybe I should take the watermelon out of my lap. Or maybe not.

  • Arf arf arf

    Real-time in Abezistan

    Me: answers doorbell

    Man: Is your upper portion for rent?

    Me: No, not at the moment, but it may be within two-three months.

    Man: Oh, I heard it was going to be empty soon.

    Me: It isn’t yet. (turning away from gate)

    Man: Hey!

    Me: Wha?

    Man: (having a Eureka kinda moment) You’re not Pakistani, are you?

    Scrabble-Babble

    (the following are actual quotes from our nightly Scrabble Games. I’ve been collecting them on the score-sheets)

    Mom, you know you’re just a trophy wife. –Aniraz

    Arf arf arf, go eat dog barf. –Mom

    The sanity train has left the station. –Aniraz

    Dad, you are *such* a cheat. – Abez

    Look, I made a seven-letter word, GGROCER. That’s a grocer with a stuttering problem, ha ha! -Dad

    I almost made the mistake of putting the bag of chips next to mom, ha ha. -Abez

    And I know, I know, this isn’t the bestest blog in the world, but man, first I ran out of DSL and now I’m out of brain power, and I have a list of emails a mile-high to reply to and this was the best I could come up with. Maybe tomorrow folks. Right now I’m gonna go crash.

  • TROGDOR!!!

    Some blogs are easier to write than others. Take, for example, a mortal wound blog. All I have to do is hurt myself and a great story is born. Last week I mortally wounded myself while washing the car, but because I was over-busy with my momma’s arrival, I didn’t get the chance to write it up. It woulda been a good one too, considering how I sliced my pinky off on the razor-sharp edge of the license plate. Well, I thought I sliced my pinky off anyway. I had been just kind of sloppily moving a wet rag over the front fender of the car when suddenly there was pain and blood. I checked to see if my finger had fallen into the puddle of brown water on the floor, but it was still attached to my hand. It was a good thing too. I don’t know if I would’ve wanted a dirty pinky sewed back on anyway.

    Complaining about things is always a fun blog, although not necessarily a good blog. Blowing off steam about things helps, especially in dealing with the heat. Yesterday it was so hot that I melted and trickled out of my chair. I tried to re-solidify but I the best I could manage was a skilful imitation of a wet rag draped over the sofa. Then I had a nap.

    Or I could blog about food. Well, I could if I had eaten any, but as it is, all I’ve had today is ice cream and breadsticks. Alternately. For breakfast I had a breadstick. For lunch I had ice cream. For tea I had a breadstick. For dinner I had ice cream. It’s too hot to cook and it’s too hot to eat anything that someone else may cook.

    Maybe it’s just too hot to do anything in general. Maybe I should just lurk in the cool basement and watch Strong Bad cartoons. Oh wait, I’ve been doing that already…

    Oh well.

    TROGDOR!!!!!

  • There

    There

    There is a nagging gnawing on the inside of my self

    It’s the feeling of my body giving up before its time.

    In the quiet twilight hours between one prayer and another

    Once I prayed for health

    Now I pray for peace.

    There is a writhing moaning in the deepness of my heart

    It’s the devil down within me who wants me to complain.

    But I have built a fortress with the patience of my faith

    And I will shelter there

    However harsh the pain.

    There is a desperate longing in the reach of my embrace

    For life and love and happiness and gentle many years

    But I shall fold my arms around the comfort of my prayer

    And I may often cry

    But never bitter tears.

  • The Tower

    You’re standing in front of a tall Tower. You reach out and feel the foundation, it’s real enough. You rap against it with your knuckles and the solidness of it kind of hurts, send shivers into your hand. You pass your palm along the wall and it is smooth, flawless. There is no question at all about whether the Tower exists. You smile to yourself and lean against the building whistling a happy tune.

    Then someone comes along and looks at your Tower. They pay no attention to the nice, strong foundation, but they look up to the sky where the top of the Tower vanishes and ask, “So, what color is the roof?”

    You’re a little confused. “The color?” you ask, “I don’t know. I’ve never been that high up. I don’t know about the roof. Some one else around here might…”

    “How about the windows? Does this Tower have windows?”

    “I’m not sure,” you admit, “Maybe-“

    “Hey, who built this Tower anyways?” the person cuts in, “And what’s it made of? I’ve heard it’s nothing but matchsticks, and it could come crashing down at any second.”

    Questions come at you rapid-fire, so many questions that you don’t have answers to- about cornices on the tenth floor that you’ve never seen, about building permits you know nothing about, about carpets in halls and rules about living there that you didn’t know existed. You shake your head, bewildered. Seeing you distressed, the person smugly smiles and then wanders off.

    You sit down on the ground and put your head in your hands, thinking. It seems as though you know so little about the Tower. You were so sure about it, and then this person comes along and shows you how little you know after all. I mean, does the Tower even have windows? What color is the roof?

    You thought you knew it all. But now you’re not sure. So much is unknown to you, and from where you stand at the bottom of the Tower you have no way of finding out. You try to see the top of the Tower but it curves away from you, high into the clouds. You look for a long time, straining to see the windows, wondering about the roof. You finally start walking around the base of the Tower, looking for answers. It’s tremendously wide, and along the walls you find people leaning against it that you never knew were there. You ask one of them, “So, what color is the roof?”

    “The roof?” the man says, “It’s blue. And anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t deserve to lean against the Tower like we do.” A few people who are leaning on the wall beside him nod. Then you hear a voice coming from a few feet up the wall.

    “Blue shmue!” someone cries. “The roof is green!”

    The man and his followers call back, “Blue!”

    An argument begins that you have no desire to hear. You walk away. Still walking, you come upon a group of women who have their backs turned to the Tower. They see you coming and roll their eyes.

    “Excuse me,” you venture, “But I was wondering if you knew whether the Tower had any windows…”

    “Windows!” a woman shrieks, “Did you know that in this Tower women are not allowed to look out of the windows!”

    “But how do we know?” you mutter. “We don’t even know if the Tower has windows. No one has mentioned them.”

    “I’ve heard that the windows are round,” another woman says, “But very high from the floor.”

    “Oh don’t be silly,” the first woman says, “If there are windows they’re square. The saint in my village told me so.”

    The women start bickering.

    “Round!”

    “Square!”

    “Round!”

    “Square!”

    The women’s voices are strident and harsh, they seem to grate against your nerves. You back away from them and start running, trying to put as much distance between you and the fighting as possible. In your haste, you bump into a simple old man who had been standing with his forehead on the Tower. He falls to the ground.

    “I’m so sorry!” you say, bending over to pick him up.

    “Oh don’t worry,” he smiles, standing up and dusting himself off. “You were running quite fast there, everything alright?”

    In the distance the women are screaming at each other and you’re pretty sure you can hear the word ‘kafir’ being thrown about. Your knee is bleeding. Or maybe it’s the old man’s blood. You might have hurt him when you knocked him over. You look at your palms. They’re scraped and there are little rocks embedded your skin, and they burn. You feel tears come to your eyes. No, everything’s not alright. You shake your head and feel a build-up of frustration that is bursting to come out. Just as you open your mouth to speak you see a movement out of the corner of your eye. It’s the first man, the one who had asked about the Tower. He waves.

    “You again?” the old man says without warmth in his voice.

    The other man nods and smiles. “So,” he says, “Ever figure out what color the roof on your so-called Tower is?”

    You look to the old man. He shakes his head. “You know that I don’t care what color the roof is.”

    “Come on,” the other man challenges, “How can you pretend to believe in this Tower when you don’t even know about the roof. I bet you never figured out the windows either.”

    “You’re right,” the old man says calmly. “And I’ve often wondered but frankly it’s not that important. The Tower stands whether or not there are windows. The Tower is strong no matter what color the roof.”

    The other man looks irritated. You look at the old man. He doesn’t seem at all frustrated or confused by his lack of knowledge.

    “Hmmph!” the other man says, walking away.

    “Strange man…” the old man mutters, leaning against the wall again. He seems completely peaceful, content with how he stands.

    “But the roof,” you whisper, “How is it that we know nothing about the roof?”

    The man turns so that he is facing you, and he leans with his shoulder instead of his forehead.

    “Well,” he says, “You and I have never seen the roof, right?”

    You nod.

    “And we’ve never seen the windows.”

    You nod again.

    “So what?” he shrugs, “I say so what! I have learned all I can about the foundation of the Tower. I have learned that it is smooth, it is flawless. It is built on logic and cemented with wisdom. No one can deny the foundation.”

    You drop your hand to one side and let your fingers graze the foundation. It’s still there, firm and cool to the touch.

    “So someone comes along and asks you about the windows. You say you don’t know. Someone asks you about the roof. You don’t know.”

    You think.

    “I have never known what shape the windows are, and I have never known whether organ donation is allowed in Islam, and whether the Fida’een are wrong and I have never been sure about why Allah made the Tower exactly the way that He did, but that doesn’t mean that it is not real.”

    “Your faith is built on logic the same way that a walls are built on a foundation, and so long as you remember the strength and perfection of the foundation, your walls can never be shaken.” The old man looks at you gently and then points to the sky, “You are standing at the base of a great and majestic Tower, and just because you can’t see the roof, doesn’t mean that the Tower does not exist.”

    You nod and smile.

    You lean against the wall.

    You whistle a happy tune.

  • Momma has landed

    My mommy’s home. Everybody dance. 🙂

  • It’s T-minus 11 hours till Momma arrives, and I’ve got a rather daunting to-do list to complete before she arrives.

    -Make Haleem

    -Buy Rasmalai

    -Buy Flowers (necklaces as well as bouqet)

    -Wash Dog (she jumped into the creek yesterday and came out a shade darker and twice as smelly)

    -Clean Upstairs

    -Clean Downstairs

    -Clean all bathrooms

    -Wash Car & Clean Inside

    -Buy Bottled Water

    -Write Blog (check!)

    Well, at least one of these things is done. *sigh*

  • Men’s kurtas are among the most comfortable articles of clothing in the entire world. Chai knows this, she has a kurta that belonged to her grandfather. Kurtas are soft and baggy, and when they get old they only get softer and baggier. Kurtas are the ideal hot-weather clothes for me. My father agrees, but he doesn’t seem to appreciate it, especially since the kurtas I’m wearing are his.

    You all know the shirts I’m talking about, sometime in the sixties (or maybe the 1860’s) the uniform of the Pakistani male was the white kurta-pajama, the kurta being the loose, white cotton tunic and the pajama being the bunchy, soft pants that fit your legs like corrugated stove pipes.

    It’s been a long time since kurta-pajama was really in, and at some point between the sixties and this century all of my father’s pajamas were lost and only three or four of the kurtas remain. They’ve been living in my wardrobe for years, but it’s still a shock to my father every time.

    “Beta, you’re wearing my shirt!” my father exclaims, looking confused. “Why are you wearing my shirt?”

    “Because it’s comfortable abbu,” I plead, holding the shirt out for him to feel the fine white cotton, washed hundreds of times into softness.

    “I know it’s comfortable, it’s my shirt.”

    “Abbu please?”

    Here my father shakes his head and wanders off, muttering about my strange fashion sense. I steal his regular qameezes too, and that irritates him sometimes. But I only borrow the qameezes, not the pants, and so that means he’ll sometimes have three or four shalwars hanging in the closet without their matching shirts. This evening my father came home to see me wearing one of his old white kurtas and arched an eyebrow.

    “You’re wearing my shirt again Beta.”

    “Yes daddy, I know.”

    A few seconds of silence pass. He gives an exasperated sigh. I wait for him to tell me that he can never find matching clothes any more. I wait for him to remind me that when you wash the shirt more often than the pants, they end up being two different colors after a while. I wait for him to tell me to hang the shirt back up.

    “Beta?”

    “Yes abbu?”

    “Could you at least wear the matching pants?”

  • Productivity Hurts

    10 pm: It wasn’t enough today that I should clean out the refrigerator, do laundry, fit a mirror into an antique frame, make pizza dough, drive the dog to the vet, eat half of a samosa and give our neighbours a tour of the (quickly cleaned) house. I had to make a new layout too. And now that I’ve done that I’ve got to go make a cake. Oh my aching back.

  • The Good, the Bad, and the Goofy

    There are certain time-honored traditions in every family. In ours, there’s the insult game. The rules are simple. The person who out-insults the other wins the respect and admiration of his peers as well as the right to dance around the room and yell “I win! You lose! I rule! You drool!” and such like.

    It’s not as easy as it sounds though, there are certain rules. The most important of which being that all insults must rhyme. Take, for example, this specific insult duel between Aniraz and myself.

    Me: You look like a bat.

    Aniraz: You’re terribly fat.

    Me: Does your mother know you’re such a brat?

    Aniraz: You look like something that’s gone splat.

    Me: Oh yeah? Well I’ve seen better faces in place I’ve spat!

    The crowning insult of the duel had to be this one:

    Your head fills nine gallons of a ten gallon hat.

    I thought I had won the match after that gut-buster (it’s hard to duel when you’re laughing so hard you can’t even sit up straight) but as Aniraz retreated up the stairs giggling she yelled out, “You smell like a dead muskrat!”

    Drat. I have to think up an insult that rhymes with ‘bat,’ otherwise I won’t be able to show my face in this one horse town again. Any suggestions, amigos?

  • Props

    JazakAllahuKheiran & Thanks to Ahmed who made me this layout. 🙂 Not only is it easy on the eyes, but it gives me more time to come up with the ultra-Spartan and yet ultra-cool layout that I’m hoping to build sometime in the near future. I’d build it in the immediate future except that I’ve got work to do, cuz my momma’s coming home!

    So far we’ve washed:

    -the table linens

    -the porch

    the dog

    And rearranged the kitchen shelves and starting unpacking her stuff. There’s a lot more left though, the least of which is the cleaning of my own room which happens to look rather slovenly at the moment. I thought about taking a picture of it and then realized we were in enough trouble already, what with momma noticing the beans in the computer desk and the bed-sheet that’s been doubling as a table cloth. Mommas notice these things. They have Mom-o-vision.

    So now it’s time to go clean something. Oh, and by the way, I’ve decided that as the only teacher in this here Blog-o-sphere I get to assign everyone homework. Here it is folks: Your home work for this blog is to go and hug a parent. Then write about it. 🙂

    etchasketch
    You’re an Etch-a-Sketch!! You’re the creative,
    artsy type who doesn’t need to actually utilize
    a single muscle group in order to have fun.
    Doesn’t matter though, you’re still cool.

    What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
    brought to you by Quizilla

  • Back to Basics

    Every now and then I feel the need to get back to basics. Sometimes I’ll get tired of the extras in life and stop wearing my watch or any jewelry. Or I’ll get tired of cooking and eat veggies and yogurt for a few days in a row. When I get fed up with my high-heeled work shoes I’ll go teach in sandals. When I get really tired of things, I’ll go back to wearing the wrinkle-free, too-dark-to-stain ‘black default’ jilbab for a few days instead of ironing and maintaining any of the other ones.

    I think it’s time to go Spartan again (ulta-simple, not battle-ready and buff). Bear that in mind when I finally post my new layout with links only for my daily/favorite blogs and my people. I couldn’t stand the visual clutter anymore.

    Peace & Chikken Grease,

    -Abez

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Blog under construction. In the mean time, enjoy some Engrish. It’s on the house.


  • Islamilicious Sunday: The Last Sermon

    THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD’S LAST SERMON (sectioned by Amber. Hi Amber!)

    Responsibility of conveying the message:

    “O People, lend me an attentive ear, for I don’t know whether, after this year, I shall ever be amongst you again. Therefore listen to what I am saying to you carefully and TAKE THIS WORDS TO THOSE WHO COULD NOT BE PRESENT HERE TODAY.

    Responsibility to another Muslim:

    O People, just as you regard this month, this day, this city as Sacred, so regard the life and property of every Muslim as a sacred trust. Return the goods entrusted to you to their rightful owners. Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you. Remember that you will indeed meet your LORD, and that HE will indeed reckon your deeds. ALLAH has forbidden you to take usury (Interest),therefore all interest obligation shall henceforth be waived…

    Being aware of the Satan:

    Beware of Satan, for your safety of your religion. He has lost all hope that he will ever be able to lead you astray in big things, so beware of following him in small things.

    Responsibly to Women:

    O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have right over you. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with any one of whom you do not approve, as well as never to commit adultery.

    Responsibility to Allah:

    O People, listen to me in earnest, worship ALLAH, say your five daily prayers (Salah), fast during the month of Ramadhan, and give your wealth in Zakat. Perform Hajj if you can afford to. You know that every Muslim is the brother of another Muslim. YOU ARE ALL EQUAL. NOBODY HAS SUPERIORITY OVER OTHER EXCEPT BY PIETY AND GOOD ACTION.

    Remember, one day you will appear before ALLAH and answer for your deeds. So beware, do not astray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.

    O People, NO PROPHET OR APOSTLE WILL COME AFTER ME AND NO NEW FAITH WILL BE BORN. Reason well, therefore, O People, and understand my words which I convey to you. I leave behind me two things, the QUR’AN and my example, the SUNNAH and if you follow these you will never go astray.

    All those who listen to me shall pass on my words to others and those to others again; and may the last ones understand my words better than those who listen to me directly. BE MY WITNESS O ALLAH THAT I HAVE CONVEYED YOUR MESSAGE TO YOUR PEOPLE.”

  • *sniff sniff*

    I’ve been home all day today with a miserable head-cold. No, the irony of having a cold when the weather is so very hot has not escaped me, but irony alone cannot save me from the sneezing, the runny nose, the blocked sinuses and the feelings of general malaise. I don’t need irony. I need a another box of tissues.

    I also need some chicken soup. That thought occurred to me this morning as I wandered aimlessly about the empty house, wondering where everybody was even though I knew they had all gone to work. I meandered into the kitchen and tried to think through what it would take to make chicken soup. Chicken stock? None in the house. Chicken cubes would have to do. Noodles? No, only macaroni. I dumped that in too. Parsely? None available. I crushed a handful of dill into the pot instead and threw some garlic in for good measure. Garlic is supposed to be good for you when you’re sick. Or is that ginger? I wasn’t sure.

    I let the pot boil for a while. Then I got bored and put my head down on the dining table. When I woke up a bit later my soup had turned into a pile of slimy, yellowish macaroni that smelled faintly of garlic but mostly of chicken cubes. It was also spicy. Apparently I had thrown in some paprika while I wasn’t looking.

    I took my yellow slime down to the basement and brought along half a liter of Amrat Cola as an incentive to eat it. As irony would have it (“less irony, more tissues” –The Nose) I finished half a liter of pop before making myself finish my slimy macaroni. It’s not that I was eating slowly, it’s just that I was trying to rearrange my noodles into a tastier position since their current one was sort of bland. I piled them one on top of another and decorated them with salt. I knocked the pile down and stirred it around some more. I invented mashed macaroni. I drank more cola.

    The rest of my day has passed somewhat similarly to my morning. I’ve sat around, I’ve napped, I’ve used up all the tissues in the house and I’ve moved on to the toilet paper. I’ve also created a new layout for my blog, but all the germs in my head have addled my brains and I can’t figure out how to make my columns line up without any seams. Helpful and benevolent people with helpful and benevolent suggestions may leave them here. Help!

    I haven’t been wholly useless today though. I did manage to pulverize my father and sister in a game of Scrabble. I decided beforehand that if they beat me it would be because I was sick. Since I won, it’s because I can beat them even when I’m sick. Booya. I could beat them with both of my sinuses tied behind my back, which they might as well be for all the good they’re doing me. Whatever it is that sinuses are supposed to be doing, I’m pretty sure they’re not doing it.

    And I wrote a blog. So there it is folks. I’m going back to bed and if this blog stinks it’s because I’m sick and if it’s great then that means I can blog even if I’m sick. Booya.

  • Beware of Expert

    My father brought an expert home yesterday to fix our CD drive. I went to put a scarf on while my father led the man down to our computer. When I descended the stairs I saw the ‘expert’ staring confusedly at an error message on the screen that basically read “system file C:\windows\system\systemlog is missing or corrupt. Boy have you done it now.”

    I estimate that I had been gone only a minute putting on my scarf, possibly even less- a minute in which the said expert broke our computer. You know, the dictionary defines an expert as such:

    \Ex”pert\, n. 1. An expert or experienced person; one instructed by experience; one who has skill, experience, or extensive knowledge in his calling or in any special branch of learning.

    I have to agree, because in all my years of using (and abusing) computers, never have I once managed the cause so major a problem in so little time. This man though, he managed to corrupt/destroy a vital system file in under a minute, and I would say that this was nothing less than the work of an expert. I’m still not sure how he did it. Neither is the man who usually fixes our computer.

    As our computer repair dude slid the case back onto the CPU, he said to me, “You should be careful about who you let fix your computer.” I nodded emphatically.

    He went on. “You should leave it to the experts.” I bit my tongue and carried the CPU back to the car. Leave it to the experts?

    God forbid.

  • Love is…

    Love is realizing that who you’re arguing with may be more important than what you’re arguing about, and sometimes that means letting go.

    It can be frustrating and sometimes the sacrifice can go unnoticed, but you know what? It’s not important that people love you so much as it’s important that you love them.

    That’s love.

  • Dream a little dream with me

    Dream a little dream with me

    Ah, blessed Saturday. I woke up at my leisure this morning, lolling about my bed in the cool basement and trying to remember what I had been dreaming about. It had something to do with a flood, and no one would let me get in their canoe. Now if you’re the kind of person who places meanings on dreams then I must warn you to give it up now. The canoes were pink and one of them was a floating Land Rover.

    I know that some people believe that dreams have meaning, but I don’t know if that applies to all of them. I spent one dream throwing matzo-balls at my Jewish in-laws. In another I was chased down Broadway by a statue of the Pope. (look out, he’s got a scepter!)

    I have had the typical chased-by-scary-things dreams and the I-can’t-find-my-scarf dreams that are the Islamic adaptation of that dream everyone has where they show up at work or school without their clothes on. I’ve also had very nice peaceful dreams, and some that I would even call religious dreams, but the vast majority of my dreams are simply insane. And it runs in the family too.

    Aniraz woke me one night while talking in her sleep. “No Czar,” she said aloud, “I didn’t put ketchup in your shoes!” Another time she giggled in her sleep and said, “Smiley face, smiley face, smiley face cows!”

    I can only guess what happy farmland idylls she had been enjoying in that dream, and I’m not even going to try to figure out what it could mean. Had any weird dreams lately?

  • William Tell Blog

    Sensei Presents:

    A five minute blog.

    (cue William Tell Overture)

    My dad’s gone to bring the car, motorcycle and dog in for the night so I have a brief window of opportunity to steal the computer. Technically he already has dibs on it but he can’t claim it if he’s not here. Mwahahaa!

    Yesterday I left my sunglasses in the car while at work. After I got off of work and started driving I decided that I wanted to wear my sunglasses. So I put them on. This would have been ok if the metal legs hadn’t been roasted to piping-hot perfection in the sun. Consequently I burned the sides of my head, complete with yelping and flinging the sunglasses off quickly. I’m sure I have brain-damage now, and the fact that there’s no perceptible difference in my brain function doesn’t mean anything. I started out on the loopier side of things.

    Uh oh, time’s up and I have nothing to post. Well, I did type a letter to one of my friends. Maybe I can lazily, errr, conveniently post some of that. Here comes Dad, RUNNNNN!!!!

    Dear Amira…

    You’re nuts to voluntarily take summer school my dear, but to each his own. I’m just gonna spend me summer baking like the unhappy kabob I am. It’s already 106. Luckily though, it never gets much hotter than 117. Alhamdulillah. But you’re going to start your blog again! How exciting! I hope you’re moving it from Xanga. I’m such a lazy bum that I can never log myself in to post comments, as far as xangas go I’m just a silent lurker. But hey, with a blogspot blog, people can comment without having to register. (all for just nine easy payments of 9.99! *cheesy grin*)

    In recent news, we’ve moved to a new house with a nice, cool basement that I plan to remain in until October. There’s a workout area (weights, elliptical trainer), a Playstation, the computer, a deep freezer (ice cream, frozen burgers) and a bathroom down here so I’m all set. There’s nothing exciting upstairs anyway. The fridge? Who needs it. Hmmph. *gnaws on frozen burger*

    Well m’lovely, I have to go. I need to pray Zuhr. Much love & duas from my part of the world to yours.

    -Abez

  • Abezistan in real-time

    Real-time quotes from Abezistan.

    (at the kitchen sink)

    Me: Excuse me sir, but I need the sink for a sec.

    Aniraz: (steps aside) Oh?

    Me: I have refried beans under my nails.

    Aniraz: Could this have something to do with sticking your fingers in the refried beans?

    Me: No comment.

    (at student’s house)

    Me: Hey, where’d your dog go?

    Student: We sacrificed and ate him.

    Me: Don’t be silly, Eid isn’t for months.

    Student: Alright, he’s in the back then.

    (in the middle of a game of Scrabble)

    Dad: (gesturing with a mouth full of pie) Mmmph!

    Me: You want the chips?

    Dad: (Shakes head.)

    Me: The dictionary?

    Dad: (Shakes head emphatically.)

    Me: A glass of water?

    Dad: (Shakes head)

    Me: Are you alright?

    Aniraz: Oh come on, don’t you know dad well enough already? He wants ice-cream.

    Dad: (nods.)