Mortally wounded my fingers while dismantling 15-foot trampoline. Will dramaticize it later. Right now it hurts to type.
Have a laff instead: from www.funnycleanjokes.com
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
-Dave Barry
We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.
-Elayne Boosler
I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know how I lost it. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t think I ever had it. But I’ve seen the boss’s job and I don’t want it.
-Bill Cosby
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy
Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
–William Coronel
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
–Paul Rodriguez
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
–Marsha Warfield
I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, I’d like some fries. The girl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that?
–Jay Leno
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
–Dave Edison
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
–George Gobel
Suppose you were an idiot… and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
–Mark Twain
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, You’ll never find anyone like me again! I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
–Larry Miller
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
–Paula Poundstone
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they seem okay, then it’s you.
–Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
–Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
–Lynda Montgomery
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
–Lily Tomlin
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
–Roger Simon
Golf — a good walk spoiled.
–Mark Twain
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